the wonder keeping the stars apart

back to hope

2012-02-01T17:08:00.001-05:00

After a glorious whinefest yesterday and last night about my hip, I'm back to action today.

Sitting yesterday at the office brought my pain back to excruciating levels, so today I called my doctor and talked with my boss and am working from home for the rest of the week. All afternoon I've been lying down on the sofa with a lap desk and I've gotten more work done in 4 hours than I have in many entire weeks. No interruptions is a very good thing.

I'm determined to do eveyrthing I can possibly do--which means doing a LOT of lying around and very little walking, and all of that with crutches. And I'm also upping my Shakeology to twice a day, because all that awesome nutrition and the protein has to help. I'm pretty concerned that my pain is much worse than it was with the stress fracture in the other hip, and it's also more widespread--it's lower back, hip, and glute--and therefore I'm not taking any chances.

Right now I'm focused on the thought that 5 days largely off my feet will mean HUGE improvement, and that this will all be over in no time.

you don't KNOW for deja vu

2012-01-31T18:14:00.000-05:00

So, I saw the orthopedist today. I realized I absolutely believed that I was overreacting 100%, that this was totally minor, probably muscular, and I was being seriously silly by lying down for a day and a half and seeing my ortho after only 2 weeks of pain.

I guess I believed all that because I really wanted it to be.

How did I realize that those were my expectations? By my reaction to the doctor saying "my feeling is a stress reaction. If you have pain with each step, you should be on crutches." My reaction was not good. I've cried a little, but not in front of him or anyone else. But, as he said "you know what a stress fracture entails, from MRI to rehab." Indeed I do, and it's not something I would wish on even my worst enemy, if I had enemies.

I'm gonna warn you that right now I'm allowing myself to freak out about the worst-case scenario, feel sorry for myself, and wallow. Tomorrow I'll get myself together.

But for right now? Right now all I can think is:

I do NOT want to be on crutches again, even for just 2 weeks
I hate flats and don't want to have to wear them
I need to run and just ran a damn half marathon and want to keep running!
I am going to regain the 10 pounds I gained with the stress fracture of my right hip, that I JUST finished losing
THIS IS TOTALLY UNFAIR, because (1) I've already done this, that is my share and (2) I've done EVERYTHING I was supposed to do in terms of conservative mileage, alternating surfaces, cross-training, calcium & D supplementation, diet, rest
If anyone else says to me "well, I guess you're just going to have to stop running," I will CUT. THEM. My ortho says "you have one half under your belt, you will run another one. You will keep running. Don't worry." HE is the medical professional, NOT you. STFU. You don't run (obviously), so you don't understand what those words do to an injured runner's mind.

The good news: it's not a stress fracture, at least not yet. The x-ray looks good. The stress reaction theory is only a theory. We're doing a 2-week experiment to see what happens. If I still have pain, I get an MRI at that point. And most importantly--a stress reaction is a step below a stress fracture, which means less time on crutches, less time off running, and it also means that I was SMART ENOUGH--not overreacting--to go in sooner this time, catch it sooner, and it will be OVER sooner. And that's worst-case, because it still could be muscular. I'm trying to focus on the good news, but, yanno, it's hard.

deja vu all over again

2012-01-30T18:01:00.002-05:00

I've always been sickly. I got pneumonia twice in elementary school, I caught all the bugs, and I started getting migraines when I was 12 or 13. I was hospitalized for one when I was 16, and I was hospitalized for pneumonia right after I turned 19. When I was 24 I had a major autoimmune event, and after a year or so of going to old white men/specialists who told me I just wasn't taking good care of myself (despite all of my labs showing autoimmune indicators through the roof), my thyroid finally pretty much gave up on life, and my TSH shot from 6 to 82.8 in 2 months.

So, much of my health obsession is because health, for me, has always been elusive. I became a vegetarian when I was 19 and in law school I grew herbs on the fire-escape-like back steps of my apartment, I baked vegan bread, I gave up coffee and I hardly drank. I cooked lots of healthy vegetarian meals, because I studied at home (couldn't focus in my assigned carrel in the law library). I started practicing yoga in college and walked all over the hilly Clemson campus, then around Hanes Park, which my apartment overlooked, in law school.

But still I had migraines and I still caught all the bugs.

Nowadays I run, I walk, I practice and teach yoga, I do circuit training. I exercise at least 5 or 6 days a week. I drink Shakeology, I drink fresh-juiced veggies, I eat tons of produce, and I make sure to get protein at every meal. I drink gallons of water and mineral water, hardly any coffee, and absolutely no soda. Still, I don't deprive myself of anything--I drink wine a couple of nights a week, I eat whatever I want a couple of meals a week. I get monthly massages, I see my chiropractor regularly, I read obsessively about health and fitness. I take magnesium to prevent migraines, I take D and calcium for my osteopenia, and omega 3-6-9 for my messed up hip cartilage.

I still get migraines, I still catch a lot (but, definitely less) of the bugs, and I still broke my hip last year.

But after my half marathon, I was feeling awfully strong. I'd done the entire training cycle with no hip issues, I was getting my Beachbody coaching business rolling and was looking forward to starting a new exercise program, coaching some clients through group challenges and individually, and was considering a do-over half marathon here in Columbia in April. Hell, I was even considering doing a 10k on this past Saturday. What I was most excited about for the next few months was getting more fit, healthy and strong and helping others do the same.

Then I took a shake-out run on the Monday after the race. My left hip started twinging, so I took it easy. Then the hip bothered me that entire week, but nothing serious. I saw my chiropractor and figured it was just a little tweak from the race. The following Sunday I kept to my plan to run for an hour (lots less than the 2-2:25 I'd done for the preceding several weeks), and my hip bothered me a little more. I was limping around a little that afternoon and Monday, so I went to get acupuncture, then chiropractic a few days later. It felt pretty good. So, after a week off, I decided to go for a run yesterday.

From the first step, the hip was painful. I kept hoping it would warm up and loosen up, so we kept going at a very slow pace, run/walking for over 3 miles. I was limping and in significant pain even while walking by the time we made it back to the car, and I've pretty much been on the sofa since then. I've considered getting my crutches out.

I'm seeing my orthopedist tomorrow. I'm trying not to panic, but bilateral femoroacetebular impingement is haunting me. This is NOT my previously broken hip we're talking about, the one that also has a torn cartilage. This is my other hip. And the pain is much worse than my stress fracture pain ever was. FAI would explain the constant lower left back issues I have had for years, and of course the torn cartilage in the other hip.

I know several people who have had surgery for FAI and/or to repair torn hip cartilage, and they all say it's worth it, etc. etc. But I'd rather not have yet another issue. The thought of another monthslong period without running, weeks on crutches, and being dependent on others to help me get around and do daily tasks? Utterly, utterly soul killing.

It just can't be. Surely I've had my share. All my work to be healthy has to pay off at some point. It just has to. This just has to be a painful yet minor and temporary muscular imbalance or strain. Has to be.

like magic..

2012-01-28T15:05:00.001-05:00

We're doing a little nesting around here this weekend, and have been locked in the house all day, absorbed with our respective tasks: bathroom painting, dressing room reorganizing, laundry, cleaning, pantry purging. And, mattress flipping. I found one of my The Secret-type notes under the mattress again, and once again, everything on there has come true, though I'd forgotten the note was there.

On my next note, about to be written and tucked under the mattress:

Our marriage becomes more and more loving and joyful
We are both healthy and fit
I work in a fulfilling full-time job and make enough money to pay my bills
D's business is thriving
I teach yoga to several private clients
I coach several clients in weight loss and healthier eating
We travel to Charleston every 4-6 weeks and stay downtown
I pay off my credit card debt with my yoga and Beachbody income
I run several races a year injury-free
We travel to NYC and NOLA at least once a year each
Ruthie is healthy
D's sons are happy and independent

more, please!

2012-01-23T22:02:00.000-05:00

I'm beginning to think that maybe I've not been blogging because things are so good right now and I'm afraid to jinx it all by talking about it.

But, my Beachbody coaching business has me "hanging" online with lots of very positive people: my fellow Beachbody coaches. I'm already looking at the world differently--more positively--and I love it. And one of my New Year's resolutions is to be less superstitious, so here we go! It's the Chinese New Year, right? It's a new moon, right? I mean, talk about auspicious. (Wait, is that also superstitious? Oh well, in 2012, I don't care!) Therefore, here are the wonderful things in my life right now that I am loving and that I want to continue and grow:

my wonderful marriage to D, which is just getting better and happier
my new duties at work, that involve less volume and more thinking/analyzing/resolving with some smart yet seriously fun people
being able to run and work out and feeling strong and healthy, including running races again and getting into some of the Beachbody workout programs to kick it up a notch
traveling with D to fabulous cities and spending time with friends there
becoming closer to my family, mostly because of a horrible event (Lainey's death), but still, a positive side effect
teaching yoga regularly to positive and engaged students
my Beachbody coaching gig, which has already given me the chance to help people lose weight and develop new habits. I am amazed by what a good fit this business is for me. It puts my long experience and obsession with health and movement--dancing, teaching dance, doing yoga, teaching yoga, and reading and studying anatomy, nutrition, health, fitness--to wonderful use, and is ridiculously fulfilling while allowing me to earn money.

In 2012 I visualize lots more of this wonder.

it didn't feel very half-like

2012-01-18T20:51:00.000-05:00

I ran the half on Saturday.

I learned mid-week that I'd be going alone, because D's good friend died and the funeral was 9 a.m. on Saturday in Florida while my race was 8 a.m. on Saturday in Charleston. I won't lie, facing the trip and the night before and doing the entire race day alone was daunting.

But, what else would I do? After all this training, and working, and putting tremendous energy toward it physically and emotionally, there was no way I'd back out. Several of my friends have said "I'm so proud of you for still going" and I'm like really? Like I'd sit home and think of the race I was trained for but was too scared to go to alone?

Odd.

So, I left work midafternoon and cruised down to the Expo to get my packet. I'd battled a horrible chest cold all week, horrible enough that I'd gone to the doctor Thursday morning to make sure it wasn't The Craziest Idea Ever to go ahead with the race. It wasn't. I felt a lot better Friday, but still knew I had to low key it, so my plan was to get to the hotel ASAP and chill. Which I did--I was there by around 530, ordering penne with marinara and three bottled waters from room service and reading Runner's World for inspiration.

Around 8 or 9 pm I realized that the shuttle ticket, which I'd bought last minute since until the last minute I expected to have a chaffeur to the starting line who would also pick me up at the finish, wasn't in my packet anywhere. Of course I had a minor panic attack and considered driving to the starting line so I wouldn't have to stress about it until after the race.

I went to bed around 930 and didn't sleep worth a damn. Saturday morning I made it to stand in line for the shuttle by 655, but didn't get downtown until about 750. There were NOT enough shuttles. They dropped us 4 blocks from the starting line and I started booking it, knowing I had to pee before beginning running thanks to all the hydrating I'd been doing all week and all morning.

The lines for the porta potty meant I didn't get to do the whole starting line excitement thing. I also didn't have a chance to warm up. I burst out of the porta-potty, sprinted the 1 1/2 more blocks to the start and crossed the starting mat around 810. Kind of a bummer, because the area was like a ghost town, papers blowing in the wind and only a few people standing around, disinterested.

The feeling that we were behind caused the group of us who'd been in the same predicament to really book it for the first mile--which I did in 9:40. I was out of breath and realized that wasn't a good warmup mile and I had a long way to go. I tried to slow down and relax, and enjoy downtown Charleston (because I knew that the route was going to get way uglier pretty quickly), but I stayed pretty uptight through downtown. I realized around mile 3 that I hadn't eaten enough, so I stopped off at a convenience store and bought and ate a few crackers. I immediately felt much better. I also stopped at every single water break and drank gatorade AND water. Fueling is a big issue for me and I have finally realized that I basically can't physically consume enough water/electrolytes during a race--the more the better. I even had 3 gatorades at one stop (small cups, but still)!

And seriously, 45 minutes through 2 hours was pretty much a blur. We were running into a very strong headwind (15-20 mph, apparently) for 95% of the race, which made it an exercise of sheer will. A few times when a bigger gust hit me in the face, I just started walking until it passed. It was just a soul-killer. Adding to the challenge was the fact that I'd decided not to bring my MP3 player, expecting far more volunteers, spectators, and performers than there were. So, for about 2 hours, I was running up a highway in the neck of the Charleston peninsula, into the wind, convincing myself to keep going.

By mile 10 I started the mantra "this is nothing." I also had some delusional hallucinations/math mistakes about what my time could be if I kept it up. They ended up being very delusional, but whatever. They probably kept me motivated. Around mile 11 we got into the Noisette area and out of the hard wind. My legs were DONE. But no one around me was walking, and I knew by then that I had to keep running to hit a decent time. When we finally saw the FINISH sign, as we made a turn right at mile 13, I let out a sob. There are no words.

Still, that last .1 was hard. as. hell. My legs were over it, I just wanted to lie down, and I needed it to be over.

Finally, it was. I met my drop-dead goal of under 2:30, but not my ultimate goal of 2:20. My time was 2:24:45.

I couldn't find my coworker in the crowd, and it was windy as hell and chilly, and bananas and bagels didn't appeal, and being alone in that crowd was seriously depressing, so I pretty quickly headed to my car and called D. I hit the starbucks drive-thru on the way back to my hotel, took an ice bath, called my mom, tweeted and facebooked, took a long, long, long hot shower, and crashed.

And I really just got my energy back today. I have been emotionally and physically a zero ever since the race. There was so much riding on this race for me, that finishing it was overwhelming. It's hard to explain, and I was blindsided by it.

So, clearly, the thing to do now is another race! For one thing, I want a do-over. I'm 99% sure I want to run a half here in town in April. And there's a 10k on the 28th that I probably need to do as well. This race was so painful on so many levels, I need a happy race.

I'll keep you posted.

wouldn't trade it..

2012-01-05T22:58:00.001-05:00

Wow. I haven't even posted this year, not really. It's amazingly hard to juggle everything right now: getting my business rolling (which is taking a lot of my time, but I LOVE it), focusing on training, rest, and nutrition for my big race, which is in 8 days, and getting back into the groove at work after 11 days off.

I've been staying up too late getting stuff done, and the blog is suffering. I hope that once I get the hang of the coaching thing, it will go more smoothly, and I can regain some balance and equilibrium.

Meanwhile, I'm sort of in awe at how everything is falling into place right now. I have so many things that I dreamed of for a long time. I am so happy and grateful!

Happy New Year

2012-01-01T23:49:00.002-05:00

Happy 2012! It's going to be wonderful, I just know it..

page-turner

2011-12-26T09:22:00.001-05:00

It's been a wonderful few weeks, full of celebrating, shopping (for others AND for myself), getting my business started, things slowing down at the office, running, yoga-ing, lifting weights, cuddling with Ruthie and enjoying my friendship and love with D.

Christmas is over, and I'm ready to turn the next page. However, a killer cold that I woke up with yesterday (yeah, Merry Christmas, your throat is on fire), and our travel plans this weekend mean that I can't totally turn the page yet.

But I have three days before the trip, four days on the trip, and a day after we get back before I return to work to do anything and everything I need to do to position myself for what comes next. These three days are for cleaning, clearing, planning, dreaming. The trip is for fresh perspective and inspiration, and of course celebrating the New Year and our 2nd anniversary.

I feel like I'm exactly where I need to be. 2012 is going to be a wonderful year! I look forward to happiness, health, abundance, friendship, love, and dreaming and making those dreams coming true!

Decide. Commit. Succeed.

2011-12-18T19:22:00.000-05:00

If you read this blog, or follow me on Twitter, or are my Facebook friend, or know me in real life, or all four, you know that my number one interest--nay, obsession--is healthy living. Most likely due to all chronic health problems I deal with, I've been pretty focused my entire adult life on exercise, diet, supplements, mind/body solutions, what have you.

Since I started teaching yoga at my agency a year ago, colleagues have begun coming to me with questions about stress relief, diet, vitamins, and exercise programs. I LOVE working with them, doing research for them, and seeing the positive results. I believe so strongly that diet and exercise are the absolute keys to avoiding health problems and feeling awesome.

So, when my friend and fellow Wake Law alum Wendy asked if I'd like to join her as a Team Beachbody coach, it seemed like a logical next step. Beachbody is the company behind P90X, Insanity, and all those other exercise programs with the infomercials that draw you in and make you want to jump up and work out immediately. I can't tell you how many times I've watched the infomercials!

I will be posting here from time to time about Challenges, new products, or just inspiration. I've put a link to Shakeology on the blog already. Shakeology is an amazing product that is the number one reason I decided to join Team Beachbody. I've been drinking something similar for quite some time, and Shakeology kicks it up a notch. Click on the link for lots more info on this nutritionally unbelievable shake!

If you are interested in having me coach you, in the new year, or NOW, if you don't want to wait, or anytime in the future, my site is at http://www.beachbodycoach.com/SuzanneHDuff , and my Shakeology site is http://www.myshakeology.com/SuzanneHDuff . If you want to join me as a coach, check out my main coach site.

Here's to your health!

Jack's Little Girl

2011-12-15T21:30:00.001-05:00

So, today's my daddy's birthday.

I've been dreaming about him all week, and it's never a surprise to encounter him in a dream, just like he never left. Because how could he have left? How is it that he's gone? After five years, it's still not sunk in.

A good girlfriend lost her daddy this month. Our neighbor died Sunday, and I know his daughters. And D's oldest friend is in his last days (or, hopefully, weeks) with a horrible brain tumor. So, all that, plus it being December 15, brings it all right back. The 6-week period between his diagnosis and his death. The last week I spent with him, mostly just the two of us. The last time I saw him. The fact that I wasn't there at the end.

I still tear up, but I no longer sob. It just is, and it just was. It happened. It's over. I keep thinking about it and reliving it, though. I guess I'm still processing it all, five years later. Just like with Lainey. I think about it, and I think about it. It's so surreal. I have to keep reliving it to remind myself that this is the way it is. They're both gone.

But not forgotten. Never forgotten.

spin cycle

2011-12-15T07:58:00.002-05:00

I know, I know. I'm terrible. The last few weeks have been a whirlwind. It's a constant playlist, round and round:

work work work
running
yoga
trying to eat healthy
holiday parties
migraines
getting to bed--why can't I get to bed earlier?
getting to work--why can't I get to work earlier?

I keep thinking the lull is coming, but one type of insanity is just replaced by another. Surely the next couple of weeks will be easier, what with the holiday and all.

Here's hoping.

cloud nine

2011-12-05T21:14:00.001-05:00

Yesterday morning I woke up, knowing that I had to hit the longest long run ever to have a realistic chance at running this half marathon. I had zero motivation to go out there. D usually runs at least part of the time with me on any run of 50 minutes or more, but he was still out of town. This one was all on me.

I messed around, uploading music to my Amazon cloud drive, fiddling with my gear, deciding what to wear (it was about 60 degrees, right on the line of long sleeve versus short sleeve), trying out my new tunebelt with which I'd use my droid with mapmyrun, fueling with my new honey stinger waffles, what have you. It was 10:30 before I got going.

It was ugly. I did about 2 miles outside before deciding I was way too hot in my lightweight-as-hell new Nike jacket, the tunebelt was a huge pain in my ass, I hadn't brought water and was already thirsty, etc. I retreated to the gym and a treadmill, on an incline. I then couldn't get my music to work, the headphone jack was in the wrong spot on my droid and the cords wrapped around my arm.

Basically--anything that could go wrong, did go wrong. But I was determined to do at least 7 miles, because I have to start adding mileage at this point, or I'll never run 13.1 in 6 weeks.

I finally got in a groove, and was even able to pause and jump off for water at the fountain a couple of times. Whew! But then, on my 3rd water break, I was gone JUST too long and the treadmill reset. I knew I'd run 3.88 before jumping off, so I put that in my droid's calculator before getting rolling again. I obviously should have brought a shot bloc or something, because I started to feel lightheaded. I probably didn't have enough breakfast. I was trying to do calculations in my head to figure out how far I needed to go on the treadmill, to get to 7 with the half a mile or so distance back home, but I suck at math even when not lightheaded and dizzy.

So, I just kept going, walking when I needed to. I ran home, and mapmyrun didn't start back up. I was so annoyed. I limped home (nah, I ran the last stretch!) and immediately came in to measure the run from the gym and add all my components: outside, treadmill 1, treadmill 2, run home. I was hoping to hit 7 and was completely not sure I was there.

Turns out? 7.6! My farthest ever. Runer-up: the 12k I ran last year.

This run completely turned my attitude around. I now feel optimistic about the race, like it's something I can do. My legs don't even feel blown out, so I think that with proper fueling mid-run, I can add miles easily. My hip? 100% fine and pain free!

I decided to break down and order a Garmin since the droid/tunebelt alternative was a disaster. I went online tonight to order it, decided to put it on my Discover card for a change, checked the "cashback bonus" box, thinking I'd earn some points. Instead, I got an option to use my $137 cashback bonus on this purchase.

So, I just got a garmin for $6. That's got to be a sign, right?

it's about time

2011-12-03T10:21:00.001-05:00

We've gone out of town five weekends since, and including, October 15. I have prosecuted or settled 28 cases since September 28.

So, yeah. I'm kind of discombobulated.

This weekend I'm at home with Ruthie, who's been sick a lot, and D is away. I'm using the alone time to recover and reboot from the last couple of months. I started this morning with a dog walk, shopping for produce, and a big green juice, and I intend to fill the rest of the weekend with everything I need to be back to my old self by the time D returns tomorrow afternoon.

R&R Central

2011-12-02T21:09:00.001-05:00

After my week, which consisted of:

dealing with an inordinate number of angry people all week long
trying two highly contested cases, one on Tuesday, one on Thursday
being so stressed about the big--Thursday--case that I threw up on Wednesday night
winning them both
winning the big one in a very big way
wearing heels and suits all week
not getting enough downtime, exercise, or sleep,

Today has been heaven:

sleeping late
teaching yoga
coming home early
taking a short but hard run
followed by a long, hot shower
then lounging around in yoga pants, t-shirt and bare feet
eating a healthy but yummy dinner
snuggling with my doggie
going to bed early.

And it's going to last all weekend--the exercising, eating healthy, sleeping a lot, snuggling with the doggie, and lounging around in yoga pants, t-shirt and bare feet parts.

the more we're there, the more we want to be there

2011-11-27T21:19:00.001-05:00

I'm happy to report that I was completely wrong when I said that we wouldn't return to Charleston until New Year's. Because we very quickly decided, staring at a 4-day-weekend, that we couldn't spend it in Columbia. I'll have you know it was D's idea, because I worry about being the gold-digger who insists on going to Charleston when I was just there. We went down with the intention of staying just one night, but that silly idea had the same quick death as the idea that we should spend the long weekend in Columbia.

So, we spent midday Friday through this morning shopping, lounging, walking around downtown, eating too much, drinking too much, sleeping too little. I'm sleep-deprived, toxic, probably 3 pounds heavier. It was wonderful.

my holy city

2011-11-21T21:45:00.001-05:00

We had such a wonderful weekend in Charleston: staying in a condo on King Street, walking everywhere, bubbly, pizza at midnight, yoga class, running for nearly an hour on Saturday because it was just so beautiful and I wanted to keep going, shopping, eating amazing food.

I came home and immediately began searching for a place to stay for New Year's/our 2nd anniversary. We won't be back til then.

Our 4 trips in 6 weeks are over. We won't be back for 6 weeks.

I hate it! Going to Charleston now is such sweet sorrow--the trips are heartbreakingly short. I love it so. I miss it so. I have to make it back one day.

eleven months later

2011-11-13T21:12:00.001-05:00

It's been an awfully trying 5 days. I had 3 migraines in 2 days, my sweet furbaby was very, messily, ill, and then we had a sewer line backup--that we're still dealing with. We're basically camping tonight.

But, that's not what I want to talk about. No. Instead, I want to tell you that today, I ran the best, longest, strongest run since my injury. I'm kicking it up a notch to train for the half I want to run in January in memory of Lainey. Today, I went for an hour twenty. 40 minutes outside, 30 inside the gym, and another 10 on the way home from the gym.

It wasn't easy, but it wasn't that impossible either. The last 15 in the gym I was digging deep. WAY deep. I was into the territory of the longest run since January. My will was flagging a bit when I stopped to stretch my hips just off the gym track. I was determined to finish my alloted 75 minutes minimum, but it was a struggle at that point.

As I stretched, a man who'd been walking the track along with me passed by. He turned back to see my face, as he'd only seen the back of me as I passed him. He gave me an appreciative nod and a "wow, badass!"

That was really fucking awesome. Really, really fucking awesome. And I floated for the rest of my hour twenty. Because I'm a badass again, and it's been a long, long time and a lot of hard work to get back here.

jinx

2011-11-11T08:49:00.001-05:00

Remind me to never say anything like "I have my migraines figured out" or "I know just what to do to prevent migraines," mkay?

Wednesday morning I got a migraine aura within 30 minutes of waking up and was in bed until 4. Yesterday I felt off all day, and saw another aura at 6 pm. This morning at 4 migraine number 3 woke me.

I'm hoping it's over, but in my experience, more than one migraine in one week=a nonstop migraine loop until I take a steroid z-pac. Time will tell. I have a massage scheduled for 930 and can also see my chiropractor today, since it's a holiday. We're probably way beyond tense muscles being the issue, but, it can't help, and the steroids are there when and if I need them.

Dammit.

wow, just wow.

2011-11-07T19:57:00.002-05:00

From the New York Times:

October 31, 2011

In Some Cases, Even Bad Bacteria May Be Good

By KATE MURPHY

THE HYPOTHESIS
Overuse of antibiotics increases the risk of obesity.
THE INVESTIGATOR
Dr. Martin Blaser, New York University Langone Medical Center.

Overuse of antibiotics has led to the creation of drug-resistant bacteria — so-called superbugs, like methicillin-resistant staphylococcus aureus. But now some researchers are exploring an equally unsettling possibility: Antibiotic abuse may also be contributing to the increasing incidence of obesity, as well as allergies, inflammatory bowel disease, asthma and gastroesophageal reflux.
Among those sounding the alarm is Dr. Martin Blaser, a professor of microbiology at New York University Langone Medical Center. In a commentary published in August in the journal Nature, he asserted that antibiotics are permanently altering microbial flora of the human body, also known as the microbiome or microbiota, with serious health consequences.
The human gut in particular is home to billions of bacteria, but little is known about this hidden ecosystem. Take Helicobacter pylori, a bacterium associated with an increased risk of ulcers and gastric cancer. Many doctors are quick to prescribe antibiotics to kill it even when the patient has no symptoms.
But in 1998, in a paper published in the British Medical Journal, Dr. Blaser was more circumspect, arguing that H. pylori might not be such a bad actor after all. “We’re talking about a bug that’s been in the human gut for at least 58,000 years,” Dr. Blaser said in an interview. “There’s probably a reason for that.”
His lab has since produced a stream of findings supporting his suspicion. Dr. Blaser and his colleagues discovered, for instance, that the stomach behaves differently after a course of antibiotics eradicates resident H. pylori.
After a meal, levels of ghrelin, a hunger hormone secreted in the stomach, are supposed to fall. But in subjects without H. pylori, the amount of ghrelin in the bloodstream held steady, in essence telling the brain to keep eating.
Moreover, mice in Dr. Blaser’s lab fed antibiotics in dosages similar to those given to children to treat ear and throat infections — which is enough to kill H. pylori in many patients — had marked increases in body fat even though their diets remained the same. (Indeed, farmers have long given antibiotics to livestock to promote weight gain without increasing caloric intake.)
These results dovetail with research by Peter Turnbaugh, a Harvard University geneticist, in collaboration with Dr. Jeffrey Gordon, a gastroenterologist at Washington University in St. Louis. They have found that the ratios of various bacteria in the guts of obese mice and obese humans were significantly different from those of lean controls, suggesting that altering the stomach’s microbial balance with antibiotics might put patients at risk for gaining weight.
Antibiotic overuse may be the root of other health problems, too. An epidemiologist at New York University, Yu Chen, has found an inverse correlation between H. pylori infection and childhood-onset asthma, hay fever and skin allergies in 7,600 participants in the National Health and Nutrition Survey.
Observation research has shown that the elimination of H. pylori actually increases the risk of gastric reflux, which is itself associated with asthma as well as esophageal diseases. Researchers in Switzerland and Germany have reported that mice given H. pylori actually are protected against asthma.
Dr. Barry Marshall, the professor of clinical biology at the University of Western Australia in Perth who was awarded the Nobel Prize in Medicine in 2005 for his part in the discovery of H. pylori and its role in gastritis and peptic ulcer disease, had a more measured reaction. “I’ve never killed anyone giving them antibiotics for H. pylori, but people have been killed who didn’t get antibiotics to get rid of it,” he said.
Patients whose internal flora are disrupt by antibiotics tend to reacquire the bugs over time, particularly if the person lives with others, Dr. Marshall said.
Nevertheless, he agreed with Dr. Blaser that antibiotics are overused and even said he foresaw a day when a detoxified strain of H. pylori might be administered as a treatment for conditions like obesity and asthma.
But wider use of antibiotics may be wreaking havoc far beyond that resulting from the loss of H. pylori. “We have so far focused on H. pylori because we have the diagnostic tests to detect it, but you could say H. pylori is an indicator organism for what is probably a vast and disappearing microbiota and increasing disease risk,” said Dr. Blaser.
The National Institutes of Health shares his concern, not only awarding him a $6.5 million grant last year to investigate the role of the disappearing microbiota in the current obesity epidemic but also allocating $115 million in 2008 to fund the Human Microbiome Project, which proposes to identify microbes that reside on and within a healthy human being.
“You can think of it as the second human genome project, where we will sequence the genes of the tremendous diversity of bacteria that populate our bodies,” said Julie Segre, senior investigator at the N.I.H.’s Human Genome Research Institute. “We will take samples from 200 healthy volunteers to get an idea of what is a normal, healthy microbiota.”
It’s an ambitious project, given that bodily bacteria outnumber human cells 10 to one. But researchers involved in the effort said advances in DNA sequencing technology make it an achievable goal. The effort is so far focusing only on microbes on the skin and in the nose, mouth, gut and genital area.
Dr. David Relman, professor of microbiology and immunology at Stanford University, said the Human Microbiome Project is important because it’s not just antibiotics that are changing the human microbiota: “Many aspects of modern life, including diet, smaller families, more hygienic practices and improved public sanitation, are affecting our bacterial communities.”
Getting a genetic snapshot of bacteria populating humans today would provide a benchmark for tracking further degradation and resulting disorders.
“We need to get an understanding of how our microbial communities operate and what to feed them so they will bloom again,” said Dr. Relman. “It’s intriguing and entirely possible that in the future we will get a cocktail of strains and species of bacteria to repair the collateral damage that antibiotics and other practices have done to our inner ecology.”
Dr. Blaser’s ideas have not always been popular, but he is gratified by the gathering interest in the human microbiome and its links to health. “I know I am now doing the most important work of my career,” he said.

it's not rocket science

2011-11-07T19:36:00.000-05:00

I know I've blogged about half a million times about how, since I know how much better I feel when I eat right and exercise, why don't I do it more consistently?

Well, the other night I was going through my old workout journal. It started as a running journal alone, around March of 2010, when I was training for my first race--the Bridge Run. I gradually began tracking more info, like my weight, workouts other than running, and eventually everything from tracking massages, acupuncture, chiropractic adjustments, and when I get migraines, colds, or stomach woes.

Y'all! This year and a half of journals is now a wealth of valuable health information. I hadn't taken the time to go back through them in a while, but I wanted to look at how many long runs I've done since getting off crutches, and then I just got curious. The first wonderful tidbit was that I only gained 11 pounds while injured, instead of the 13 I'd remembered. I am now just a couple of pounds above where I was before going on crutches. So, that's awesome.

But more importantly, a very clear cause and effect pattern emerged. Skip yoga for a week? I'm going to the chiropractor 2-3 times the next week. Don't run much for a week? A migraine is sure to follow. A few nights of no workouts at all? A sure sign that I went out to dinner more than usual, and a stomach problem is the inevitable result.

In a way it's depressing--can't I EVER slack off without paying a pretty significant price? But at the same time, knowledge is power! I can indulge without taking off several days in a row and causing back issues or a migraine. It's all about exercising more days than not, and eating clean and healthy 90ish percent of the time. The older I get, the more important it seems to be. After reading an article about 68-year-old Mick Jagger, in which he describes regular running, yoga, pilates, weight training, and a diet of organic veggies and lots of green superfood smoothies, I want to be doing all that at 68! I want to be ABLE to do all that at 68! And if there's one thing I know, it's use it or lose it.

the grass is awfully green right here

2011-11-02T18:23:00.001-04:00

I think I've blogged before about my need for change every few years? Yeah, I have that. Not just with little things, but with work and cars, mostly. So, I got a new car, but work hasn't been so easy to ditch. Because, you know, I need a salary and the economy is really tough. And I live in a small city, so there aren't exactly tons of options.

But, I learned that there might be a great possibility, one that I've had in the back of my mind for quite some time, and the existence of it was very distracting. I made the change within my agency in an attempt to satisfy my need for new things every 2-3 years, but I couldn't get into it, really, because of this other option. I really tried not to focus on it, not knowing the odds of it becoming a reality, but there was no getting around hoping for it with some part of my brain.

I learned last week that the possibility is, after all, not possible. At first I was disappointed and pissed. Now, I'm finding that the elimination of this other thing has had a great effect on my psyche. I'm more focused and happy in my current job, I'm completely excited about my new responsibilities, and I'm super motivated to clear my old cases so that I can dive all of the way in to the new stuff.

Funny how the mind works, eh?

here's your chance

2011-11-01T22:02:00.002-04:00

It's November! A new beginning. And lawd, do I need it. I've been horrible with my eating, drinking, and lack of sleeping. Things have got to change. I feel like absolute crap and I've done it all to myself.

Today was quite a day, with my first appearance before a big new board, and a fundraiser this evening with my childhood hero, Danny Ford. Oh yes. It was all very awesome. I'm feeling very happy about where things are, and once I can get my healthy habits back in line, we're talking hunky dory.

Happy November y'all!

the race

2011-10-28T09:17:00.000-04:00

I don't really know why I have no spare time right now. Spare time to blog, or really clean my house, or remember to mail things, or read actual books. Or get a manicure, a real haircut, professional color, or anything like that.

But, at the moment, I seem to be racing to get to work, racing at work to finish everything, racing after work to get to the gym or to a social engagement or home to cook because D wants to eat and get back to the office to race to finish HIS work.

There's just never enough time. I have to find a way around this. Have to!

totally chill

2011-10-17T21:41:00.000-04:00

I took that "backing off" thing really seriously. I guess pushing so hard in yoga that you puke and become ill for 24 hours will do that to you.

I still worked out, a little, on Thursday, Friday and Sunday. Otherwise, I didn't worry about it. I didn't feel like it, and I went with that.

It was awesome, and even better? I've totally rebooted my motivation. AND I lost 3 pounds. I fit into my skinny jeans now!

My new job responsibilities came with a new boss. This guy is SO chill, all the time. He's been at the agency forever, so he'll explain anything to you, but he doesn't get riled up about anything. His attitude on all the turmoil and upheaval with the new administration: this too shall pass.

He's my new role model.

fine line

2011-10-11T16:05:00.000-04:00

So, after I left you last night, my splitting headache got worse and worse, and woke me at 2 a.m. despite prescription naproxen taken at bedtime. I was compelled to get an ice pack out of the freezer, and upon getting out of bed, I was also compelled to throw up.

I laid with ice packs on my neck and the back of my head for about 4 or 5 hours, drank a glass of water and another with emergen-c, googled hot yoga and heat exhaustion, and contemplated hitting the ER, before I finally dozed off around 630 or 7.

So, given a serious stress fracture, a torn hip cartilage, and now, perhaps, heat exhaustion from a hot yoga class, all in 10 months? I am pledging to Back. The. Eff. Off.

I'm going take it easier on myself. I'm still going to work out 4-5 times a week, but I'm no longer pushing it too far, staying in a 100+ degree yoga class when I'm about to puke or faint, running farther when my hip already hurts, or failing to take time off.

Hold me to this, ok?

Om Nasti

2011-10-10T20:44:00.000-04:00

Wow. Have I ever gone 11 days without posting? I'm not sure.

So, instead of doing online stuff, I'm back in regular yoga class, I'm running about 3 times a week, no more than 30 minutes at a time, and my hip feels good. I'm back to my awesome teacher at my gym--and y'all, last week she said of my triangle "beautiful! You've bounced right back." OMG. I nearly cried. I also got a groupon for 5 classes at a new hot yoga spot in town, and I'm 2 weeks into a Monday-night hot yoga habit, so that's awesome. I decided not to run the October 15 12k, because why push it?, and am considering--but not getting caught up in--a 10k in mid-November instead.

So, hot yoga. As you know, my beloved studio in Charleston had kind-of-hot yoga--most classes are 85-90 degrees. I used to go 2-3 times a week, and I loved it. I was also seriously buff. The new Columbia spot is HOT. Seriously, seriously hot. Tonight I nearly stroked out, and seriously felt like I might puke for a good portion of the class. I find it quite difficult to do 15 sun salutations when it's 100+ degrees. Insult to injury, but this place has carpet. Um. That. Is. So. Effing. Disgusting. I was already feeling like the candy corn I ate this afternoon was gonna return to me, when we hit the mat about 1/3 of the way into class for locust and bow. There was a lot of face-near-the-mat. The smell? Made it much, much more difficult not to puke.

Who would put carpet (or, actually, in this case, leave the really old, low-quality carpet that has already been there for 15+ years, by the looks of it) in a hot yoga studio? I think laminate, or this rubbery stuff that my Charleston spot has, or any kind of solid, hard surface that can be MOPPED DAILY is a MUST.

Ew. Ok. Must run--my yoga clothes and towels are in the washer with warm water and oxi-clean, and I must now disinfect my mat. Ew.

I probably shouldn't have seen Contagion. I was bad enough already.

cautiously optimistic

2011-09-29T21:39:00.000-04:00

During 4 days of despair and certainty that I'd have to get hip surgery, my hip ached constantly with intermittent sharper pains, and my lower back ended up getting in on the action with some serious stiffness and pain. I got 2 chiropractic adjustments, 1 acupuncture treatment, took prescription naproxen twice a day and broke down and had a flexeril last night when my back spasms were out of control.

I slept for 9 hours, and woke up feeling fine.

After feeling dramatically better all day long today, I decided to cautiously attempt a short treadmill run. I headed over to the gym thinking I'd just do 20 minutes, would walk as much as I needed to, and all-round take it super easy and careful.

Instead, I felt super strong! I got to 20 minutes and felt totally fine, so I kept going. Same thing at 25, and 30, and 35, and finally, at 40 minutes, I decided I'd better stop. Especially since I wasn't supposed to try running today.

But, I felt fine the entire time--actually, more than fine, wonderful! I am riding high on endorphins and optimism right now. And of course, now I'm all about running the 12k.

God willing and the hip pain don't rise, I just might.

what's your plan?

2011-09-26T10:56:00.003-04:00

as you probably know by now, i always have to have a plan to deal with any problem or issue. so, given my hip issues over the last few days, i've been mentally formulating my plan for about 20 hours now. including during the night when its aching kept me up.

i don't know for sure that the problem is my torn hip labrum, so i'm doing the usual soft-tissue injury care: rest, ice, anti-inflammatories and epsom salt baths. plus some homeopathic topical stuff for injuries. i took today off to see my chiropractor and my acupuncturist, and to rest the joint by avoiding sitting all day. i am crossing my fingers & toes that acupuncture can magically resolve it.

also today, i'm going to do some mad research on hip strengthening and opening exercises, as well as general hip care protocol. if there's a way to manage this non-surgically, i'm going to do it. i'm going ahead and ruling out the 12k unless something changes dramatically in the next few days. i don't want to hold my hopes up, as i did with the bridge run and the hip stress fracture. i just can't take that again mentally and emotionally.

and, i'm working on being ok with short distances. i could become a 5k runner. i could run 2-3 miles, just really, really often. that'd beat not running at all. D & i talked about doing a 5k in the next few weeks to get my spirits up.

it's going to be ok. it's got to be ok.

not again, please

2011-09-25T14:04:00.000-04:00

My comeback race, the same 12k I ran last year, is in 2 weeks and 6 days. And, as I've feared, my hip is very irritated by the amount of running I've been doing. I have a torn labrum that was discovered in the MRI/arthrogram that showed my stress fracture. My orthopedist told me it could be a big deal or no deal at all--he's had one for 5 years with no symptoms.

I have symptoms, dammit.

Right now I'm trying not to panic, doing some research, and telling myself that the 5k is a good fallback option. And crossing my fingers.

the plunge

2011-09-15T21:30:00.001-04:00

Today I talked with my boss and told her I want to make the change.

I'm equal parts exhilarated and terrified--my work will be dramatically different. Will I love it or hate it? I doubt there's much in-between.

But, my M.O. is to make a major change (or 5) every few years. Seizing this moment is really a matter of my survival, for better or worse.

Wish me luck!

possibilities

2011-09-13T20:22:00.000-04:00

As I'd hoped, blogging about my "stuck" feeling helped.

Today, after a truly disastrous hearing (main fact witness did not show, so I had to do some MAD improvising, including calling the person I was prosecuting as a witness, holy shit), I went to lunch with a group of coworkers. That was fun, but more importantly, I rode alone to the restaurant with someone with whom I could discuss my thoughts about the change that's available to me within the agency.

It's an option. And I'm thinking, perhaps, a good one. Not only would it mix things up for me after 3 years of doing the same kind of cases, it's something that has been suggested to me and encouraged pretty much since day one, so it'll make the honchos happy too. Given some other changes happening with others, the next few weeks would be the perfect time for me to make the move. I'm going to explore it pretty thoroughly during that time.

It's something. And, since I'm not all that bad off, just slightly bored and uninspired, it could be just what I need.

just breathe

2011-09-12T20:07:00.000-04:00

In a little more than 6 months, I'll be 39.

This is getting real, y'all. Right behind that is 40. YIKES.

The last few years have been my first experience of stability since the age of 29, when my first husband and I split up. So, for much of my 30s, I was moving a lot, changing jobs too often, and living through some trials and tribulations. And really, my 20s weren't exactly a smooth ride either. I was 26 by the time both my ex and I were out of school, then we moved to Charleston and lived an amazingly fun, yet largely destitute 3 years before we split up, thanks to my nonprofit salary and our disastrous attempt to do a full renovation of a Charleston single house.

For the past three, though, I've been in a job I love (most of the time), in a committed relationship with a man I love, and pretty much living everything I dreamed of.

So, of course, it doesn't seem like enough. My work is meaningful, but with huge volume comes monotony and burnout. I'd been promised a promotion, but thanks to the unforeseen decisions of 2 other lawyers, that's now out of the question. I enjoy the easier-than-private-practice hours, but not the ridiculous paycheck. Though I enjoy a lot of what I do, the thought of doing it for years to come doesn't excite me. I've been there 3 years, I've mastered it, and now I'm bored.

I find myself riveted by stories of other women my age--you know, the stuff you see in the Vogue age issue or in the New York Times or what have you. Of course, I'm comparing. I'm nearly 40, but I'm not running a company or making enough money or even doing something that challenges me on a regular basis. For quite some time now, I've thought there has to be more. I can certainly do more. I'm not being fully utilized--nor is my brain. But what that more might be, I can't yet visualize.

Perhaps that's why I don't have it yet?

My challenge is to sit with it until it reveals itself. To pay attention to what attracts me and interests me. To aspire to contentment rather than boredom. To let it go and realize that perhaps I'm creating this all in my head.

Let go, and breathe.

where i've been

2011-09-09T21:25:00.000-04:00

I know, I know. I've been TERRIBLE.

But it's been awfully busy around here. I've been getting my running mojo back, with 4 runs since Sunday (!!); trying cases like there's no tomorrow, including a 2-day epic trial experience culminating in a huge, total, victory for ME; going out meeting friends or on date nights with D, and planning many many trips to Charleston--2 in October and 1 in November, hell yes!

When I'm not doing that, I've been back in yoga class, kicking it hard with circuit training, reading on the porch, watching the Phillies dominate the National League, and eating superfoods so that I can kick the 12k's ass.

it was bad. now it's good. how, i have no idea.

2011-08-30T18:33:00.000-04:00

I know, I know, I've been terrible.

I just don't like to blog when I'm all bitch, moan, grumpy, in a funk. Who wants to read about that? I don't even want to live it.

After about 10 days of attempting many different methods of shaking the funk off me, without success, I got up early this morning and ran. Now, things seem fine.

Huh. Odd, since I was running before. But hey, whatever works. I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth!

Now I'm all about training for my 12k! It's 6 weeks from Saturday. So, you'll be hearing all about my healthy habits. This time it's all about kick-ass cross training, nutrition, rest, along with the running itself. Sorry. But, if you're still reading here I guess you're ok with all that.

last ditch

2011-08-25T10:10:00.000-04:00

so, i'm still fighting the burnout and low mood. i fought all week. it won.

so, today i'm home, in a desperate attempt to reboot.

i'm hoping a haircut, a chiropractic adjustment, some major exercise, a dose of vitamin D, taking care of some errands, time to read and rest, and cooking a nice dinner for D and me will do the trick.

can i have some remedy?

2011-08-21T11:51:00.000-04:00

Rut-busting prescription:

power yoga class with tweeps
post-yoga 2-mile run
post-2-mile-run kick-ass circuit training (upper body/abs)
chores tasmanian-devil style
quick afternoon trip to Charlotte
stopping at the Fiat dealer on the way
dinner at an old favorite from Charleston, that's now in Charlotte too
50 minutes run/walk to the gym, on the gym track, and home from the gym, with D
chilling afterwards on the deck with a miraculous breeze

same old..

2011-08-19T17:30:00.000-04:00

Yeah, so, I haven't been blogging much lately. I've just lost my blogger mojo.

I'm in a very bored rut. I really need a change of scenery or SOMETHING because right now I'm all same commute, same office, same work, same case over and over, same "gotta move all those cases," same angry callers, same people, same lunches, same commute home, same home, same gym, same restaurants to choose from when we go out, same town, same weekend, same same same same same.

Most of the stuff I love and wouldn't part with--but it's just that burned out, worn down, sick-of-it-all mood that we all get from time to time. And, there's an opportunity to change it up at work, which I might just take.

'Cause something's gotta become different! And soon.

what to do..

2011-08-15T23:16:00.001-04:00

So, ever since Lainey died I've been thinking about doing something to raise money for SIDS research, or something. I'm just now to the point of being able to do research and consider options without just totally losing it and breaking down crying. Still, it's so overwhelming. I'm not an event planner, yanno?

I have spoken with a yoga studio owner in town who says she's willing to host a benefit class, but not until November or later. Of course my other interest is a race. But I haven't the slightest idea how to begin.

Because of that, I'm vacillating between putting an event together versus just doing individual stuff like getting sponsored for races to raise money, or holding little yoga classes myself and asking for donations. Meanwhile, I'm donating small amounts myself. And pondering.

the week that was

2011-08-12T17:48:00.000-04:00

This week has FLOWN by! It's been all about..

prepping for 5 trials next week
a work happy hour that turned into 5 hours & involved a honcho who was coincidentally at the same place--awesome
not as much exercise as usual--it's like i skipped over a couple of days? Like I said, the week flew by! I'm not sure where all my days went!
cooler temps, FINALLY! it's only 90 right now. a coworker wore a turtleneck and cardigan today, she was so acclimated to the 100+ degrees that she was chilly!
pondering big new things
teaching an after-work yoga class at my agency and considering making it permanent
reading a new book that's inspiring me to be even healthier
considering a weekend detox
simultaneously considering driving to Charlotte tomorrow, just to eat dinner
planning a doggie outing for Ruthie

It's All Good

2011-08-10T13:27:00.002-04:00

All I needed was a solid 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Forget all that negative stuff! It's all puppies and rainbows today.

I Blame the Heat..

2011-08-09T07:55:00.000-04:00

because, you know, it's never ending, it sucks, and it drains all of your energy and will to live. But I am in one hell of a funk this week (that's what I get for saying I'm content), and I just want to pull myself out. Immediately, if not sooner.

I've had 2 bad nights of sleep, one of which was caused by being sick, and that certainly doesn't help.

I'm just sick of my job, sick of my coworkers, sick of my commute, sick of our Suburban Hell office location, sick of not being able to fit into 90% of my work wardrobe because eating healthily and working out six days a week doesn't seem to be enough, sick of Columbia, sick of struggling to run, sick of not being at the beach, sick of being broke, sick of it being too hot to sit on my porch.

As you might imagine, I could go on and on. But I won't.

Hopefully bitching about it will help me snap out of it.

i wouldn't trade it, though..

2011-08-06T15:13:00.000-04:00

Contentment is wonderful, but it's not much to write about on a blog. Nevertheless, here goes..

I'm getting back into the groove this week, thanks to a health challenge that I've joined. The accountability is really working for me! My goals for August: do yoga 4 times per week, weight train twice a week, run 8 miles a week, eat leafy greens 6 days a week, and only eat processed food 2 days a week. My bigger goal is to lose 6 pounds this month--well, 5 more, as I've lost one so far. That would get me within 3 pounds of where I was when I broke my hip.

So far, so good! I've eaten really healthily this week, with a few splurges, and consequently feel amazing but not deprived. I'm working out most days too. So, I feel pretty wonderful right now.

Next weekend is a surprise Charleston trip that I just learned about a few days ago! And, a friend of D's is going to be there in October, so we'll be returning then, AND, we're going to a wedding on Johns Island in November. I could really get used to going to Charleston this often!

Well, there you are. A very happy and contented existence, but very boring blog fodder. Namaste!

the long run

2011-07-31T23:39:00.000-04:00

You know, it's been kind of a rough year. I know you're sick to death of hearing about my femoral neck stress fracture, but it has really defined my year so far. And tomorrow's August. Wow. That means it's defined nearly an entire year.

I got hurt on January 11--or at least my hip started hurting that day, when I ran for 50 minutes on the track in the gym because we had 5 inches of snow that had melted a little and then refrozen as ice on the sidewalks and streets. It was a Tuesday, and the town was pretty much shut down, but we were PSYCHED that the gym was open, since it hadn't been on Monday.

Yesterday I ran for 45 minutes--well, ran and walked--on that same track. It was my first run/walk of more than 35 minutes since January 11. It was my first time off the treadmill since getting off crutches, and it was my first time running with D since January.

And my hip has been hurting ever since. I am terrified. I'm really sore overall, so I'm trying to tell myself that it's just part of the soreness, and not a sign of reinjury. I took today off from working out in hopes of it just being an easily, quickly remedied setback. A few more days and I'll know.

Meanwhile, tomorrow is August 1. Another new beginning, another chance to be even more optimistic going forward. Another chance to start to get back to where I was on January 11, running for nearly an hour and feeling wonderful.

I'm ready.

A few of my favorite things..

2011-07-29T10:05:00.001-04:00

*winning 3 cases in one day
*one of those against a smug jerk of an opposing attorney
*leaving town immediately following the 3rd case
*taking ruthie along on our mini-break
*destination : asheville
*hotel indigo
*an outdoor late dinner on arrival
*lounging in bed all morning while D works

a few of my least-favorite things

2011-07-27T10:30:00.000-04:00

rubbernecking idiots--yes, it's an accident. move on. literally.
drivers who stop in the middle of a street with cars behind them, instead of pulling over to get their bearings
opposing attorneys who can't be bothered to read the law or the pleadings before arguing with me
humidity
multi-day headaches
figuring out the household budget
drivers who go 20 mph when the speed limit is 60
the fact that queso is fattening
people who just keep calling up the ladder complaining, without telling you directly that they still have a complaint
bureaucracy
being second-guessed in my work by someone who has no knowledge, background or experience
being charged a $40 fee when my credit card is declined because i forgot that bill was autodraft from my bank card that was counterfeited & replaced with a new card number
drivers who slam on brakes in panic at malfunction junction--no, THAT won't cause an accident

the trauma

2011-07-21T13:59:00.000-04:00

As you know, it's been a rough year on the exercise front for this workoutaholic. A femoral neck stress fracture will do that to you.

I can't tell y'all how much it sucks trying to recoup strength and stamina after being sidelined through no fault of your own for months. Running 3-minute intervals, huffing and puffing and wanting to hurl, makes it tough not to think back to January, when I was cruising along running 5-6 miles, no sweat. (well, not literally, but you get my drift) I try to stay positive, obviously, and am VERY grateful that I was only on crutches for 4 1/2 weeks, that I can run now (some people take a YEAR to recover from the femoral neck stress fracture! a YEAR!), and that it was all due to vitamin D and not improper shoes or form, or overtraining. But, there are still moments.

The other problem? My PTSD. I am seriously pretty much terrified I'm going to reinjure myself. My hip has ached some the last few days, in the same spot, and I am nearly paralyzed with fear. This same fear has kept me out of yoga class since February, and prevented me from running with anyone else. I am so afraid of doing ANYTHING that's not completely and utterly self-directed, because I want total control and to have no pressure whatsoever to keep going through pain. Not that I would--but it's like I don't trust myself or something.

But, what it really comes down to is that I don't yet trust my body again. I'd hoped that learning this was all vitamin D, and knowing that I'm taking tons of D and getting UV rays on top of it, would help with that distrust.

But, we're not there yet. Maybe soon. One can only hope..

it's gonna be all right

2011-07-15T16:19:00.000-04:00

Thanks to

it being Friday at 4:18 p.m.
dinner date tomorrow night to celebrate an anniversary of sorts
cut and color tomorrow, so i'll look fab on the dinner date
veuve clicquot (there's 1/2 a bottle left from last night's 2-person bastille day celebration)
power yoga
running
loving my work (the actual work, not the drama in the building)
a weekend in asheville in 2 weeks
today it's only 87 degrees after 48 consecutive days of 90+ degree temps and several days of 100+
a snuggly doggie
a wonderful husband

Yes, I know. It's the same old boring shit. What can I say? It works.

meh

2011-07-14T21:07:00.000-04:00

It's still Stress Central over here, but my attitude is slightly improved. Which, of course, makes all the difference.

I still like my boss, even if she's part of the Mafia that's going to run the place into the ground. Better than not liking her. And, yes, she still likes me. Who knows, maybe that will help somehow. Might as well assume that until you're proven wrong, right?

Anywho. We're surviving. Tonight's the full moon, so surely it'll get better. Right?

RIGHT?

not to get all political, but i do have a political science degree..

2011-07-11T20:01:00.000-04:00

my god, y'all.

my constant mantra is an anti-drama one, because life seems nonstop drama.

working for a governor as power hungry, corrupt, and lawless as nikki haley is a daily roller coaster ride. i'll tell myself, hey, it's all good, i can just work my caseload over here in this corner. then i learn about coworkers being forced to do CRAZY illegal unethical shit, or lose their jobs. and it makes me realize it's only a matter of time before it happens to me.

meanwhile, i'm 13 pounds up from january when i broke my hip. i have a few things i can wear, so it cushions the blow a tiny bit, but my GOD. i've been exercising all along. how did i gain 13 pounds? when will i be able to wear the other 80% of my wardrobe again?

D is stressed about some stuff, which makes me stress too because i shouldn't be worried about silly things like size 4 versus size 6, right? and being asked to do unethical things to keep my job, right? i should suck it up, look like shit, and be a shitty lawyer. because we need the money.

sigh.

the theme: impermanence. lack of control. SWEET.

Knock on Wood like 84,000 Times

2011-07-07T11:46:00.000-04:00

So, I have a new boss. I was concerned before she got here--nay, LIVID and rather INSULTED--because (1) she has only been out of law school for 6 years, (2) she has never done trial work, (3) she has never even practiced law, (4) the position wasn't posted--hello, illegal public hiring, and (5) given the decisions our big boss has made so far, I had no faith that the new boss could possibly be a good choice. I mean, 7 of the 9 lawyers in our office have 14-30 years of experience, and the other 2 have 2+ years of pure litigation experience here, in this agency.

It's only been 2 weeks and 2 days, and please know I know--from much painful experience--that honeymoons last longer than that, but, um.

I love coming to work now, even more than before. It doesn't hurt that she seems to absolutely love me and thinks I'm a great lawyer and professional and positive. I don't get any funny or worrisome vibes from her, and my senses are heightened to those, thanks to that "much painful experience" to which I alluded earlier. I'm finally getting some credit from a superior for being willing to carry a massive caseload, and carry it well, and for having a basically good attitude about it. (I do reserve the right to occasionally say that, if I'm to carry double the caseload of anyone else, perhaps I should make a TAD more..but, that's understandable, right?)

There's even another possibility out there, and I'm now completely confused about whether I'd want it or not. There are still some disturbing things going on above my pay grade, thanks to our current administration, but there's a good chance I can stay out of that and just continue merrily trying cases like a madwoman. The devil you know, right? At the moment, I'm kind of in love with that devil.

Of course, we have an attorney meeting today. This could all change. In fact, waxing poetic like this probably ensures that it will. So, KNOCK ON WOOD!

So, I Might Be A Runner Again!

2011-07-05T14:13:00.000-04:00

I ran twice last week: Thursday, and Saturday. Both runs were amazing! Though my cardio capacity is slightly reduced, my legs felt strong and I no longer had that "focusing on staying upright because I could collapse at any point" feeling of utter weakness and exhaustion I had the few times I was able to run in between crutches and vitamin D superdoses. On Saturday, I really felt I could have gone farther, but I haven't yet gotten past overwhelming fear of reinjury if I do too much too soon.

I ran/walked 2.7 miles on Thursday and 2.98 on Saturday. I'm doing safe little 3-minute running intervals and keeping track of the total walking versus running. Saturday: 2.3 miles of running! I'm now DYING to do a 5k, but the only ones in Columbia for the next few months are on Saturday nights! What? I drink wine on Saturday nights. I race in the morning. I thought this was normal..

love and happiness

2011-07-01T14:23:00.000-04:00

Um. The hoodoo apparently worked. And on more than my health.

Yesterday and today have been THE most charmed, wonderful, amazing days I've had in ages. I keep waiting to wake up from the dream. My most recent ailment is healing nicely, I ran last night (!!) and was able to pick right back up where I left off 2 1/2 weeks ago, people are singing my praises--to my new boss, even!, and I kicked some serious ass in court yesterday. Today, I taught my yoga class, which was utterly dreamy, and then my entire office went out for a luncheon, and we had so much fun I just want to hug every one of them. And, of course, it's a 3-day weekend!

If this is a dream, I don't ever wanna wake up!

It Just Has to Be

2011-06-29T00:18:00.000-04:00

I feel like I have to leave the evening on an up note. That last post about being bummed makes me feel funny, at least the superstitious part of me.

So, since I've already gone all hoodoo and holy water on you (oh, did I mention I also have a friend bringing me holy water?), now we're into The Secret.

Beginning tomorrow morning when I see the doctor, I'm going to get my bandages off, be able to shower, drive, be upright, and just generally get my life back. And by the weekend, I'm going to be restarting running (I was cleared to run tomorrow by the doctor who diagnosed my vitamin D deficiency, but obviously that's delayed, AGAIN) and thinking toward the 12k I'm going to run in October. And some 5ks in the meantime.

My vitamin D prescription (I take the 3rd dose tomorrow) will begin to work. My bones will be strong, my hair will be thick, my immunity will be high, and my energy will be unbelievably high!

Before you know it, I'll be a strong, skinny, happy, energetic distance runner with rare-to-no health issues whatsoever. Yes I will.

i need hoodoo, i do believe

2011-06-28T14:47:00.000-04:00

I know this woman in Charleston whose mother has powers. Once, I mentioned to the woman that my contractor had swindled me out of $30,000 and abandoned my job, and soon after, his partner dumped him, he injured his back in a fall off an upstairs piazza and he went bankrupt. I later learned that the woman had mentioned the situation to her mother.

I'm thinking of calling her to see if the reverse can be done. For me.

Because I'm beginning to believe someone has cursed me. I've always been sickly, but this year has just been nonstop. In 6 months I've had a broken hip, a dozen or more migraines, weekly stomach problems, a vitamin D deficiency, and now an infection that required surgery. Very painful surgery.

You know, it's not that I haven't been proactive. As soon as my hip started bothering me--THE VERY DAY--I started seeing my chiropractor. I did TONS of research. I advocated like a maniac to get the MRI after 7 weeks of hip pain, instead of doing 4-6 more weeks of PT. I asked for the vitamin D check. I've done acupuncture, massage, I take supplements like you wouldn't believe. I work out 3-5 times a week. I eat healthily. I follow doctor's orders.

Despite all that, there has hardly been a day this entire year in which I've been 100% and able to do whatever I like. And it is really beginning to get me down. You can only say "oh, it's got to get better..in just X more weeks I'll be 100%" so many times before you stop believing it.

I'm e-mailing her right now. I'm not even joking.

laying low

2011-06-27T20:26:00.000-04:00

Sorry for going AWOL, y'all.

It's been an overwhelming couple of weeks. Lainey's death, obviously, was and is a tremendous blow. Work has been ridiculously stressful with big changes and scary decisions by the honchos that make the rest of us worried, paranoid, and downright scared. I learned I have a severe vitamin D deficiency and went on prescription superdoses, and had to stop running again. And over the weekend I developed (for the second time) a not-too-serious but way-too-painful condition that required a minor procedure today. I'm not allowed to drive, shower, work, drink, or exercise for 2+ days.

So.

It's a bit too much to process, let alone blog about. I'll be back very soon!

for lainey

2011-06-15T11:28:00.000-04:00

I'm working hard to get past thinking things like, "why is the earth still turning? why are people talking about silly things? why are people being assholes to each other? A PRECIOUS BABY DIED ON THURSDAY." Though that's the way I feel, I know it's not healthy. But, you know, it's only been 6 days. I'm cutting myself some slack.

I posted on facebook the other night that I was having a serious existential moment. Well, I still am. The good news is that rather than feeling angry or fatalistic, I feel all the more that life is short and precious and we have to focus on what's important. I also feel increasingly that I should be doing X or Y "for Lainey." I can't explain it. I know it's silly, but her short life makes me want to do better and be better for the rest of mine. I guess it's just a coping mechanism, an attempt to make some sense or bring some good out of such a senseless and horrible thing.

But I think that's what she would want.

lainey

2011-06-09T21:48:00.000-04:00

this morning i woke up at 3:45 a.m. with one of my all-too-often stomach upsets. 2 1/2 extremely uncomfortable hours later, i had just returned to bed, D having awakened, and we were discussing whether we should still go to charleston tomorrow as planned, given how sick i was, when a text came through from my sister-in-law: "has family member X called you?"

i sat up straight in bed. "OHMYGOD." i knew it couldn't be good. my family doesn't text at 6:23 a.m.

i responded immediately "no, why?"

"lainey died last night."

lainey was 4 months old. she was my brother's first child, the first child any of the three of us have had. the first granddaughter, the first great-granddaughter. on easter i held her for about an hour and whispered "you will love ballet" into her ear. i had already bought her a tutu. i never heard her cry. she always just looked around, absorbing everything, and smiled.

she was okay at 2:30 this morning when her mother fed and changed her. at 5:45 a.m. she had rolled onto her stomach for the first time ever, and was not breathing.

it is beyond my comprehension how her parents feel. i am so distraught, and i am not her mother, who found her dead.

her father is 11 years younger than me. when he was a baby and a toddler, we were TIGHT. he was my baby. he had blond curls and big blue eyes and we were in love with each other as only an adorable toddler and a sentimental preteen girl can be. i bawled so hard when he married lainey's mother. my baby was grown up.

i just want to be able to make his pain go away. i want this horrible, horrible thing to never have happened.

holding pattern

2011-06-08T15:22:00.000-04:00

It's been quite the roller coaster over here.

Things at work have been rather uncertain and up in the air. There's been lots of change, and there's more to come (next week!). In response, I've explored another possibility, had "a feeling" it was going to happen, then learned that perhaps I didn't want it to happen.

Meanwhile, a group wants me to teach a yoga class near my office, and I've been walking the line of holding them off until I know more about all the changes--both within and without my current position.

The undercurrent to all of this is my continuing issues with low energy. I see my doctor on Friday and, again, have been holding off on making commitments until I get some lab work done and hopefully get to the bottom of the physical issues.

So, yeah. Limbo. Not fun. Hopefully short-lived.

who took my mojo?

2011-06-04T10:08:00.000-04:00

I don't know if it's the heat, my thyroid, yesterday's stomach bug, work drama, or too much traveling and partying in the last week, or a combination of all of the above--but I am an energy-free zone.

I have got to find a way to get my mojo back. I've been sitting here for 2 hours in my running clothes, but have I moved a muscle? No.

I can do better than this! I MUST do better than this! I have 8 pounds to lose and a race to run in a month, and sitting on my ass is not going to help that happen.

positivity

2011-06-03T10:44:00.000-04:00

I have to think that when a wonderful opportunity presents itself, and everything clicks almost immediately, and people offer to help you make it happen, and you just feel so good about it..

Perhaps it's meant to be!

Here's hoping..

all downhill from here..

2011-06-02T11:36:00.000-04:00

I could seriously get used to this short workweek thing. It is fabulous that it's already Thursday!

I've had a wonderful week. It's amazing what some greens, vegetables, sleep, and water will do for your physical and mental states! I have gotten a lot done at work, had a great run last night, and am finally making some progress on re-losing the broken hip pounds.

This weekend, we have plans galore! We decided to stay in town, and it's a good thing, because I don't know that we've ever had so much of a social life packed into one weekend as the one coming up (starting tonight).

And, there's an exciting possibility that just entered my radar screen last night. I feel really good about it! Send positive vibes, s'il vous plait!

dump

2011-05-31T10:19:00.000-04:00

Apparently, party weekends kick my ass.

It was a great weekend. D got to see most of his best friends in one spot, reminisce about his college days, walk all over campus and marvel at the changes. I loved meeting the few guys I hadn't already met and, I won't lie, I enjoyed the favorable comparisons to the first wife. It was wonderful to see this place D talks so much about. It was also great to get away, get a change of scenery, and spend so much time together. It was a wonderful time.

But the hours and hours in the car, the less-than-ideal sleeping conditions (noisy dorm WTF!), the limited, not that healthy, food choices (pesto pasta was the only vegetarian option for both lunch and dinner on Saturday, carb coma anyone?), and the nonstop drinking=toxic, tummy-aching, lethargic, exhausted and grumpy Suz, despite tons of walking and a Saturday morning run.

Monday was going to be the day to recover, do chores, shop for healthy groceries, what have you, but we learned while driving home on Sunday that a friend is very sick, and was passing through on the way to Duke for treatment, on Monday. So we drove to Florence and spent the afternoon at a Ruby Tuesday at a mall, drinking, eating and visiting. We got home around 530, just in time for me to keep my plans for cocktails with a dear, very busy friend. That turned into 3 hours at the restaurant, as D met me for dinner and more friends showed up later.

I took this morning off. I'm lying on the sofa in my pajamas. At this point, I don't even want to go to Spoleto--or ANYWHERE--this weekend. I just want to be home, eating veggies and drinking water.

reboot

2011-05-26T12:18:00.000-04:00

Y'all, I have been working my ass off! At the office, I'm moving cases and taking care of business, and at home, I'm diligently working out, eating right, what have you.

I am SO ready for a break

Luckily, it's ROAD TRIP time! We're leaving late this afternoon to start our journey to Kenyon College for D's class reunion. Though we're staying in the dorm, and that concerns me a tad, I am so excited about 4 days off, getting out of Dodge (temperature: 97 degrees) and going far far away (temperature: 75 degrees). It promises to be a Party Weekend and a complete break from real life.

Ahh, yeah.

keeping it real

2011-05-23T11:04:00.000-04:00

I've been a good bit less prolific on the internet lately. Obviously, you know I haven't blogged much. My facebook status updates are few and far between, and even twitter, my first love, isn't holding my interest at the moment.

Perhaps it's because I'm having such a wonderful time IRL.

Other than some worry about low energy and unexplained weight gain (why NOW? I'm running and walking again on top of yoga and circuit training, and eating less junk now than I was two months ago, but NOW I gain 5 more pounds?) that lead me to believe my thyroid meds may need tweaking, things are peachy keen.

So, right now, I'd rather spend time with my husband and my dog, sit on the porch reading on my beloved kindle, go to parties, and plan our trip to Ohio this weekend than be chatty online. Knowing me, this too shall pass and I'll be a junkie again very soon.

Well, It's Buddha Day, So It's Appropriate

2011-05-17T10:42:00.000-04:00

But everything's just so calm and centered up in here! And it lasts and lasts, rather than being a momentary mood. It's virtually unprecedented!

I am so ridiculously organized at work, thanks to that "in the zone" few days I had last week, and being pretty focused so far this week. Similarly, my OCDness a few weeks ago at home has stuck, and things are still basically Zen Simplicity over there too. Oh, and, I went crazy on my screened porch on Sunday and it is 100% clean--hosed off, even--and decluttered to boot! That whole "switch magazines and newspapers to Kindle" idea is working out beautifully as well. And, yanno, I can run now! That just makes everything wonderful..and the possibilities, endless. And of course there's D and Ruthie, the loves of my life, just hanging around, being wonderful.

*contented sigh*

I'm Back!

2011-05-12T11:59:00.000-04:00

I am in the ZONE, people! If only I could always operate at this level. Everything is clicking. I have gotten an amazing amount of work done this week, including but certainly not limited to handling three big hearings and drafting 11 complaints. I am exercising everyday, including a wonderful first run post-broken-hip on Tuesday! I have to start very slowly and build up painfully gradually after the "mother of all stress fractures," but after 4 months off, I doubt I could do anything but. I did a total of 9 minutes of running, in 3-minute increments, during an 18-minute run/walk on the treadmill. That's a little more than my orthopedist told me to do, but everything was feeling fine, so I went with it.

I am so excited to really be on my way to a comeback. And that excitement seems to be carrying over to everything. Oh, how I hope I can hang onto this feeling and this attitude. It's simply peachy.

Clouds Part, Angels Sing

2011-05-10T09:35:00.002-04:00

My orthopedist cleared me to start running again!

hunky dory

2011-05-09T10:09:00.000-04:00

a 22-hour mini-getaway to greenville
eating some really good pasta on said getaway
listening to some awesome live music on said getaway
a random BS state holiday tomorrow
an orthopedist appointment tomorrow, about which i'm quite hopeful
an hourlong cardio workout this weekend
a sweet furbaby
some hearings this week to keep things interesting
going on a detox diet with D, which makes it a LOT easier to stick to
being healthy and content

not so fast. also: ugh.

2011-05-05T11:04:00.000-04:00

Not two hours after I wrote that last post about how I need to learn to be happy with what I have, which is an actually pretty damn awesome job?

I learned about several seriously-not-awesome events/issues about said job. I can't really go into it all, but the least of the four is that in our new location, we're all going to be in cubicles. This may sound uppity, but actually it's a practical thing. Attorneys--particularly litigation attorneys--interview parties, prepare witnesses, talk to parties, and generally need quiet and privacy. The suggestions I've gotten online to get noise-cancelling headphones will help when I'm drafting pleadings and briefs, but until they create giant headphones that cover an entire cube, I don't see how I'm to continue prosecuting with a caseload of 90 in a big noisy environment.

Now, as I said, that's the least of the issues I've just learned of. The others are more substantive and not a little more disturbing, in the vein of "if that could happen to X, it could happen to me."

Given my pay (ridiculous) and my caseload (like I said, 90), I don't need too many more issues until I start thinking. Hard.

three-year itch

2011-05-04T16:28:00.000-04:00

I've been at my current job for more than 2 1/2 years now. For various and sundry reasons, this is the longest I've been in a job since my first one out of law school.

So, yeah, I'm getting bored. I'm not accustomed to doing the same thing for years! Yes, I've been a lawyer all along, but I've had a lot of different types of jobs: nonprofit do-gooder lawyer, lawyer consultant to state agencies, small firm lawyer, medium-sized-firm lawyer, Columbia lawyer, Greenville lawyer, Charleston lawyer. Employment law, education law, family law, insurance defense. I've even done the document review thing a time or two.

While I have no great desire to change jobs when I'm thinking reasonably about it--I mean, my work is meaningful, I make an ok amount of money to work 9-5, I have an extremely laid-back office, I truly enjoy 99% of my coworkers, AND, my least favorite thing about this job (the location) is about to drastically change for the better (we are moving downtown in 7 months or so!)--I cannot seem to escape the "another day, same old stuff" mentality right now.

I'm running into the same thing with my car. I love it, it's wonderful, there's no good reason to get rid of it--but, I don't usually keep cars more than a few years, and I've had it almost 3, so I'm getting the itch.

Since I'm not changing jobs and I'm not getting a new car, I guess this is my opportunity to look at things differently. To settle with contentment and good enough rather than continuously seeking different and maybe better. I ought to know by now that the grass is not always greener..

pinch me!

2011-05-03T11:52:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I think not having a lot of spare cash is a good thing.

Not that I really have any money issues anymore, being married certainly helps with all that, but I work for the state, I don't ask for lots of money from my husband, nor do I have a credit card that he pays for, and therefore I don't have piles of disposable cash lying around. I can pay the bills for our modest yet comfortably-outfitted house, I have everything I need and more, and yet I spend very little on clothes or shoes and things like that.

But, I got some tax refund money and man, have I been having fun. I got some new clothes for nearly nothing at places like marshall's, H&M, and the clearance rack at the san francisco banana republic. I ordered a $40 cross-body bag for the trip since I thought I'd be on crutches, and it turned out to be a beautiful, expensive-looking bag with soft leather that I LOVE and am using everyday. I have a new wallet and makeup bag, and some awesome red shoes.

AND..my espresso machine of 20 years died on sunday, and I just ordered a new one. I also recently got a new android phone since I was eligible for my upgrade. and of course you know about the kindle.

So given all that recent consumption, why on earth would I say that NOT having a lot of spare cash is a good thing? Because if I had it all the time, I wouldn't currently feel like the QUEEN. OF. ENGLAND! with all my new stuff.

Gratitude is good.

monday monday

2011-05-02T10:31:00.000-04:00

eh, you have your ups, you have your downs.

thursday morning, thanks to those horrific storms that destroyed the deep south making their way through south carolina, i started getting some monster migraines. that lasted until midday friday when i finally got another steroid z-pac, the only thing that knocks them out once they go more than 24 hours. relief! energy! no need for sleep! steroids are not all bad.

in good news, my rehab is going well and i am SO cheered by the fact that it's may, and i should be running again sometime this month. i have walked nearly everyday this past week, slightly increasing my time each day, and am bumping up the strength, ab work, and yoga as well. it feels great! i see the next two weeks as my opportunity to eat well, sleep plenty, and cross-train as much as is reasonable so that i'm in the best position possible to run again when my orthopedist gives me the go-ahead.

i'm still pretty shocked by the whole bin laden thing. i understand a lot of emotions about our killing him: relief, closure, the sense that justice has been done. what i can't relate to is jubilation--particularly to the point that one would go out in the streets to party. i'm not condemning anyone and their reaction, i simply cannot relate to it.

and i don't ever want to hear obama called a communist, a muslim, or a disbeliever in american exceptionalism ever again. he got it done. end of story.

getting there

2011-04-27T10:01:00.000-04:00

i'm getting it straight..slowly but surely.

i'm back into my rehab exercise assignments, taking it easier this time. the night before last i took a brisk 20-minute walk with little ruthie, with no ill effects. that was pretty awesome. i added 30 minutes of strength training, ab work, and yoga for good measure. and last night i even did 15 minutes on the elliptical! wow, but was it tough, not having used those muscles in 3 months. i felt a small amount of twinging in the femur, but lower than the fracture area. i then followed up with 7 1/2 minutes on the recumbent bike before the hip started to talk to me, so i (wisely) stopped.

monday i got my first-ever acupuncture treatment. it was pretty awesome! my right glute has been very sore and tight since i got off crutches--some sort of compensation thing, i'm assuming. the work she did to address that was amazingly effective. i foam-rolled last night and for the first time in 3 weeks, it was no longer intense to the point of making me cry out. yeah for progress!

all of this has me feeling awfully hopeful about my comeback! i'm not sure i'll be running in 3 more weeks, but i know the important thing is being smart, not running ASAP. i mean, after 17 weeks, what's a couple more for safety's sake?

just do it

2011-04-25T11:25:00.000-04:00

i just cannot get myself back on track to eat well and exercise regularly. last week i made some improvements, but i irritated my hip on wednesday and haven't done anything since out of sheer terror of re-injuring myself. i am 8 pounds up since getting injured, and getting bigger everyday--dresses i could wear even last week are too tight this week. i'm not really sure what's happening, unless it's a delayed reaction from the san francisco trip or something.

it's really frustrating and amazingly depressing. i can't even think of fitting into about 50% of my wardrobe right now, 99% of which fit me fine before this damn broken hip.

i'm posting this not for your benefit, but as one more attempt to shake some sense into myself. i have got to make a drastic change, and immediately. the junk food and wine i've been using to cope with not being able to run or (really) do yoga has GOT to stop. my orthopedist theorized i might be able to run after 6-8 weeks off crutches, and that time period begins in 3 weeks.

i have a loooong way to go with my physical condition to hope to be beginning to run in 3-5 more weeks.

my plan: the usual healthy diet, no wine this week, and some sort of workout everyday. i'm going to do pilates, yoga, circuit training, and recumbent bike, to try to get my body back into the groove of strength and flexibility. i'm also trying to get in to see an acupuncturist, i got a massage on saturday and i have another scheduled in two weeks. and i am still seeing my chiropractor regularly. i'm also looking for a droid app for fitness and diet, and posting even more inspirational items on my work corkboard.

i know how to do this, i've just been choosing not to. why? so i can be even more miserable?

the waiting is the hardest part

2011-04-22T14:00:00.000-04:00

mostly, i'm ok. since i got off my crutches, i've been upbeat, calm, happy, and patient. i am counting down the weeks, but grateful i'm at least on the right side of the countdown.

but, there are still moments. D goes out for a run and i think, god, i want to go too. a race i ran last year and planned to run again this year is approaching, and it shocks me that in early may i still won't be able to run even two steps. taking a walk the other day, when i hadn't had pain in weeks, it was all i could do not to start running right then and there. the desire was overwhelming. but, later that day, i pushed my rehab recumbent bike workout a little too far (36 minutes, after doing 30 minutes a few days earlier without incident, sigh.) and ended up in the worst pain yet all day yesterday. i planned to teach my first yoga class since february 22, but have to cancel after all, because of the pain.

in those moments, it feels like torture. one step forward and two steps back. 16 1/2 weeks without running and at least 3 1/2 -6 1/2 more before i can even think of running again, just a little bit. starting from scratch.

there's patience, and there's this. this is beyond patience.

ode to my kindle

2011-04-19T12:21:00.000-04:00

Up until about a month ago, I was vehemently anti-e-reader. I was a book person, a person with a double degree in English and Political Science, who focused on literature for the English degree and political philosophy/theory for the Political Science degree. A person with a law degree. You know, you have to read a lot to get those degrees! A person who owns many books and loves turning the actual pages. A person who loves perusing actual books in actual bookstores or libraries and bemoaned the fact that e-readers would lead to the eventual demise of all that I hold dear about reading and its accoutrements. I was so against them that I refused to even know anything about them. A fellow book clubber had one at a recent meeting, and I was so completely disinterested that I didn't even remember later that she'd had one.

Except for the fact that I'd hardly read a book in ages due to my unfortunate but undeniable internet addiction, particularly to Facebook and Twitter. This book person, who used to read dense and lengthy tomes with no attentional issues, had become completely ADHD, needing the hit of a 140-character thought/blurb/headline, then another hit, then another hit. I read blogs, articles, facebook statuses, twitter feeds, but I couldn't even focus enough to read my New Yorkers, and they were piling up. Along with the books I kept buying but couldn't focus on. Sad, sad, situation.

Then, one night, I had a dream that I had a Kindle. The next morning, I woke up feeling like I had to have one, but thinking, "how silly! It was just a dream and I hate e-readers!" However, I found myself suddenly fascinated by them, reading about them and finally paying attention to the fact that several of my friends have them. Two days before we left for San Francisco, I got home from work and decided I had to have one for my trip. I tweeted for advice and got some responses that I should get a tablet PC instead, so I hesitated and didn't order for overnight delivery from Amazon.

In considering it all, though, I thought that since my goal was to read more, and lay off the internet habit, the tablet would defeat the purpose, instead making the internet more accessible than it already was. The next morning, early, I got Sweetie to drive me to Target (I was still on crutches that morning) so I could buy one.

Clouds part, angels sing.

We fought over it on the trip. I immediately got free trials of the New York Times and the Philadelphia Inquirer and downloaded a few books, some free, some not. I read the New York Times in its entirety every day of the trip (and have every day since), and I've read 3 books already in less than two weeks. I decided, on the recommendation of my fellow Kindle-lover Molly, to cancel my print New Yorker subscription and get the Kindle version, and I've finally started reading the New Yorker again! No more back-issue clutter!

As I suspected, the format just works for me. I've spent considerably less time surfing aimlessly on the web looking for my next fix. I've now got about 20 books, a large portion of which are classics that were free, and am perusing other magazine options since I have recently cancelled all but 4 of my many magazine subscriptions.

The New York Times alone is reason enough for me to love the thing. I used to be a faithful reader of the Times and had 7-day-a-week home delivery back when I lived in a cool enough zip code for them to deliver to me. The Kindle format for the Times has taken me back to those blissful days of 1999-2001, when I carried the paper with me everyday, to read throughout the day.

There's something about the equality of the articles, all in black and white, organized in sections or seen by clicking through each article, that compels me to read them all, rather than the 2-4 articles per day I'd been reduced to. This makes me so happy, Internet!

Sunday morning I woke early, thanks to my currently relentless allergies. I left Sweetie to sleep, made coffee while the day's papers loaded onto the Kindle, and settled into the reading chair with a blanket. I read the entire Times before Sweetie got up and without leaving the house. Last night, Sweetie had to go back to the office for a couple of hours after dinner. I sat on the porch until way past dark, reading.

I'm me again! I'm a reader again, and I only have my e-reader to thank for it.

(I am certainly not an important enough blogger to get anything for free. I paid for my Kindle with my very own money and no one has asked me to review it.)

open

2011-04-18T10:22:00.001-04:00

My house is clean, cleared of clutter, marvelously reorganized. I have 4 big bagsful fewer books, CDs and DVDs. I have one big bagful less junk, including 75% of my old tupperware, which has been replaced with glass containers. I have 5 fewer magazine subscriptions, the New Yorker switched to Kindle version but the other 4 abandoned, and an overflowing recycling bin of old issues. Our nightstands are dust-free, drawers organized, shelves holding only a few books and magazines. My desk has nothing piled on it. My pantry and linen closets are utter dreams of order and organization.

I have an herb garden with 3 kinds of lavender, 2 kinds of mint, 2 kinds of basil, cilantro, oregano, dill, and thyme. And three tomato plants hanging out nearby. The potting bench has been hosed off and organized.

My dog is even clean!

I'm ready for whatever comes next, Universe!

spring clearing

2011-04-14T13:01:00.000-04:00

since our return from san francisco on tuesday night, i've been compelled to clean, organize, hope, dream, plan, and have felt amazingly content and centered as a result. i have an overwhelming desire to clear out anything that no longer serves me.
going away always inspires me, but this time, having just regained the ability to walk on my own two feet means that i am feeling wonderfully reinvigorated and ready for new beginnings. for weeks during my injury i was horribly depressed, and failed to take good care of myself in many ways. and on vacation i indulged and pampered myself. now, with all of that behind me, i am beyond ready for a return to disciplined and healthy living.
when we got home tuesday evening (before dark), all of the blinds were closed and the house's energy was very stifling and odd. (a friend of a friend had stayed there for a couple of nights, as she is estranged from her husband). i opened all of the windows and blinds, turned on music, and burned incense. and, after unpacking most of my suitcase, washing the dog (so she could sleep with me!) and taking a hot bath, i could breathe again.
similarly, on my return to the office yesterday morning, i discovered that in my absence, my paralegal had piled files, with notes stuck to the front of them, all over my desk, my credenza, and even on the shelves of my bookcase. as you may imagine, this caused me to physically recoil in horror. though i had a meeting to prep for, i quickly began clearing. i processed all the notes, put all of the files away in my vertical files, and even took out cleaning wipes and cleaned all the surfaces. i put on some music and got to work catching up.
and i've been in that mode ever since. last night i stocked the fridge and the pantry, cleaned my bathroom, did laundry, worked out, and even cleared old e-mails and unsubscribed to e-mail newsletters that clutter my inbox.
i can hardly wait for the weekend, when i plan to clean anything that can be cleaned and organize anything that can be organized.
i have high hopes and expectations for the next few months, and i am creating space in my life so that all the new and wonderful has a place to live.

Yes, I Still Want this Woman Exposed for her Lies

2011-04-14T10:17:00.003-04:00

Great new summary of a Northern Kentucky professor's analysis of the media's failure to even question whether Palin is Trig's biological mother, despite all the evidence to the contrary.

california dreaming

2011-04-11T11:36:00.003-04:00

i thought i'd drop by and let you all know that, unlike a week ago, i am simply peachy keen!

my new doctor took me off crutches 12 hours before my flight out here to san francisco, and i've had a wonderful trip, enhanced by my excitement at being able to walk. it really is the little things, isn't it?!

we leave in the morning, and while i'm somewhat sad to leave a big city, as always, i'm rejuvenated and newly motivated by my time away. i have some great ideas for the near future and am excited to get home and get started!

happy monday! i'm off to soak up every last moment of this wonderful city!

it's for your own good

2011-04-04T10:00:00.004-04:00

i think i have to take a blogging break. i now have an eye infection that won't go away, so i can't wear my contacts, and my glasses are about 15 years old and give me a headache. as if being on crutches isn't enough of an impairment. i didn't have time to get anywhere for new glasses on saturday, since i was burying my aunt and all, and may not have the chance today or tomorrow before we leave for san francisco. my san francisco vacation, wearing old glasses and on crutches. sigh. so, unless i get some fabulous news with my new orthopedist tomorrow, i think it's in everyone's interest that i just stay quiet.

mind games

2011-03-31T10:39:00.002-04:00

i'm happy to report i'm in a much better frame of mind. today will be a fun day with many retirement festivities for a honcho in my office, and i will see my family this weekend as my aunt died last night. so, i'm focusing on friends and family and trying not to think about my crutches.

i need a break

2011-03-30T10:22:00.001-04:00

seriously? still, no paragraph breaks?? what gives, blogger. is there some new paragraph-break-creating command i'm supposed to be using??

rage

2011-03-30T10:12:00.003-04:00

I know I'm in trouble when a Marilyn Manson song is JUST what I wanted to hear as I scanned through satellite radio. And when I crank up the volume and sing along with gusto. I am ANGRY! I'm so over the crutches, I just want to destroy them. I am sick of people's opinions about what I should and shouldn't do, what I did to cause these injuries, and how much I should talk about it. I'm sick of everyone's expectation that I will happily, positively, patiently, and calmly adjust to my current reality--26 days so far. I'm sick of people saying "can't you just take it easy for a while?" What the fuck do you think I've been doing? I've been injured basically this entire year--since January 11. But most of all I'm sick of worrying about what's going to happen next, when I'll be back to normal, whether I'll ever really be able to run again. I don't think people understand that when they say "well, maybe running just isn't for you," that makes me want to cry, scream, and throw things. I just want to be healthy, mobile, and able to do what I want--run, do yoga, walk in from my car, carry an umbrella, grocery shop, walk around San Francisco. Not even to mention run the bridge with my friends, and about 41,000 others, this Saturday.

as an aside..

2011-03-29T07:37:00.002-04:00

i swear i'm not manic and thinking in run-on paragraphs. blogger simply will NOT allow me to put paragraph breaks in.

it's my blog, i'll bitch if i want to

2011-03-28T22:14:00.003-04:00

remember that quote, from a few posts ago, by jenny barringer simpson? the one about not letting the naysayers get you down, don't take it personally, just go out and prove them wrong? god, i'm dying to. sadly, i can't even walk right now. why people think they should say things like "well, I guess you won't be running anymore" or "i told you running was bad for you" or "this is what happens when OCD meets repetitive motion" or "hahaha, i guess you learned YOUR lesson" or even "this will be so minor when you look back in a year," i just do not know. imagine if you had a hobby, that was good for you, made you feel amazing, was addictive in a good way, and helped you stay healthy and thin. then imagine you couldn't do it for 11 weeks with no end in sight. or, for christ's sake, just imagine giving up one of your absolutely favorite things (TV? cupcakes? knitting? reading romance novels?) for 11 weeks with no end in sight. with the possibility that you might never be able to do it again without complications. would you want people basically saying to you, you brought this on yourself? i didn't think so. i WILL run again. if i have to have surgery to repair my labrum, it could be a year from now. but i WILL run again. mark my words. if you don't believe me, i can hardly wait to prove you wrong.

no one puts baby in a corner

2011-03-28T10:32:00.007-04:00

There's no question that having a plan and taking action to implement that plan are key to my ability to deal mentally with any problem. So, today I'm feeling almost happy after coming up with a plan to get better care for my torn up hip. Sweetie and I hashed out my issues with my orthopedist over lunch yesterday: he failed to tell me I have a torn labrum for 3 weeks, he is an asshole, he has given me no specific guidance except very short answers to the few questions I've had a chance to ask, and he's given me no prognosis or even any kind of idea of what to expect. Then, I learned over the weekend (after asking for a recommendation for someone new) that he has a track record of very scary moves: telling someone they needed to have their leg amputated, the someone got a second opinion and still has his leg; botching a hip replacement so badly it had to be redone, and had complications such that the person had to go to a specialist at Duke University; and, treating everyone in the asshole-ish manner he's treated me. So, the plan? Get a new ortho, stat. This makes me feel so much better. I have a dream of seeing a doctor who will show me my MRI films, explain how severe each injury is, give me an explanation of what I might expect with each, and tell me specifically what kinds of movements/positions to avoid, symptoms to keep an eye out for, etc. My general practitioner is the kind of doctor who can do all that, ask you for your input, and make you feel like the most important patient she has, all within the same 5-10 minutes any doctor spends with you. Therefore, I know it's doable. And I expect it. And my expectations are reasonable. This is my hip we're talking about. Each of my two injuries are very serious and could lead to the necessity of surgery and lifelong complications. I'm not messing around with a jerk who obviously feels like I'm a nuisance.

maybe halfway there, if i'm lucky

2011-03-25T12:48:00.002-04:00

I had a followup with the orthopedist this morning. I had high hopes, given my decreased pain in the hip and what I'd read about partial weight bearing, the meaning of pain with this injury, and the like. I thought I'd at least graduate to one crutch or part-time on the crutches and still had hope that I might be crutch-free for our San Francisco trip.

Well, so much for pipe dreams!

Instead I learned that I not only have a femoral neck stress fracture, I also have a torn labrum (the cartilage in the hip joint) and abnormal swelling and edema in the joint. And osteopenia.

So, I continue as is (partial weight bearing, two crutches, no impact, no painful activities, walk as little as possible) until April 15 when I return for more imaging. Oh, and I take calcium and D.

Our trip is April 6-12. Our vacation for the year. To San Francisco.

bright eyes

2011-03-24T10:40:00.003-04:00

I don't know if it is the rain during the night, that washed away just enough of the pollen to make things bearable, or the absence of my hip pain for 36 hours, or the lovely dinner I had with my husband last night, or two nights in a row of sleeping for eight hours..

but I feel almost human today. I felt like I was slowly awakening all morning, and when I got in my car, my mix CD queued up to a song by an old band I used to follow in Charleston..the members were friends. And, yes, they wrote a song for me. The chorus is "what you need is a bright-eyed Suzanne, to get you back to the light."

This morning, that reminder got me back to the light.

hope, but be real

2011-03-23T11:06:00.003-04:00

If I ever doubted how much regular, intense exercise does for me, I never will again.

This two weeks without cardio (I last rode the recumbent bike 2 Wednesdays ago) or yoga (I last did yoga that Monday or Tuesday, I believe) has nearly been my undoing.

I had 4 migraines in 9 days, one of which, this past Saturday, was the worst one I've had in years. It was one of those migraines during which you can understand why people literally beat their heads in, trying to get relief. I am scattered, impatient, short-tempered, unfocused, unmotivated, and depressed. My clothes are getting tight or, in many cases, they just don't fit anymore. I'm tired all the time. I get a tear in my eye when I get a message or tweet from the Cooper River Bridge Run, which is a week from Saturday.

I see the orthopedist on Friday and I'm trying not to allow my expectations to run wild. I'm hoping to graduate to partial crutches, recumbent bike, and yoga. God, but that would be awesome. I'm still having pain off and on, though, which further depresses me. I'm hoping that's a normal part of the healing process.

But I can't help hoping for a lot. I'm hoping to walk in San Francisco. I'm hoping to run a 4-mile race in July. I'm hoping for this all to be a memory, very soon.

But meanwhile I'm just trying to get by, get a few things done, and will myself out of feeling miserable.

one day

2011-03-18T13:48:00.003-04:00

Oh, the things I will not take for granted for ages, once I'm ambulatory again!

walking!! it will be amazing!
the obvious: running
the also obvious: yoga--real, power yoga, with lots of standing poses
grocery shopping
carrying items and walking, all at the same time
dancing
jumping up and down to cheer during a game, or any other exciting event
doing laundry--yes, doing laundry--without any help
walking my dog
getting an object from across the room without calculating whether the hassle is worth it
no longer spilling water down my front because i have the cup in my teeth as i crutch
opening and walking through doors with ease
taking the stairs instead of the elevator
carrying my dog around
being unbothered by obstacles in my path, because i can easily avoid them
walking from my car into the courthouse, carrying a file, on my own
going out to dinner or for drinks without calculating how long i've already been sitting that day
sitting without worrying about the pressure on my hip
thinking about something other than "will i be off crutches before my san francisco trip?"
sleeping on my right side, my favorite
crossing my left leg over my right without worrying about impeding blood flow
parking anywhere in the lot with no worries about making it inside
feeling independent, strong, and capable again

It's going to be wonderful.

the undead

2011-03-17T15:34:00.004-04:00

I haven't posted much because I've gone into some sort of self-protective zombie state where I'm just dealing with necessary tasks and zoning out otherwise. All my energy seems to be occupied with the business of surviving the crutches.

So, more when I'm in a better frame of mind.

sooo glad i signed up for that daily runner's world quote e-mail

2011-03-14T10:22:00.001-04:00

"Whenever you have any bump in the road, whether it's two weeks or two years, there are so many naysayers. Let it fuel you. Don't take it personally. Go out and prove them wrong."

-Jenny (Barringer) Simpson, Olympian and American recordholder in the steeplechase

one crutch in front of the other

2011-03-13T11:05:00.003-04:00

There's just no getting around the fact that being on crutches sucks. Trying to have a good attitude about it does not change the suckage.

Thank god for two wonderful bloggers who have been in my shoes--they are runners who have survived a femoral neck stress fracture. I've e-mailed with them and am very comforted to learn that I'm not the only one who thinks this is miserable, that crying is normal, and that they wouldn't wish this injury on anyone. I've also learned some valuable lessons from them--they both tried to return to biking and even running too soon, and ended up back on crutches. God forbid!

I'm doing better, though, and trying SO hard to see the light at the tunnel. For one thing, my pain is nearly completely gone! That has to be a good sign. Of course, it makes it even more tortuous to be on crutches because I sometimes forget that I'm injured. Friday I was in a meeting and got really annoyed. I was going to leave the room under the pretext of getting more water. I pushed my chair back from the table and was about to dash out, when I realized "I can't walk." Talk about an extremely strange moment!

This too shall pass. And I will be fine. Yes, that's my current mantra.

Action

2011-03-09T12:17:00.004-05:00

Last night I willed myself to go to the gym to try swimming.

It truly was a triumph of the will--I was exhausted from 2 nights of poor sleep and 2 days of learning to negotiate my office with crutches. I had had dinner around 630 and was snuggled up with my sweet doggie and a very soft blanket. And I had tried on my 2 sporty one-pieces before dinner and the horrible reality of 8 weeks without running was staring me in the face. UGH.

But I knew that I had to pick myself up and get over there. I made a bargain with myself that I would just go sit in the steam room. Just getting a good sweat would be a good start.

Sweetie was at a meeting, so I was on my own, thus, the decision to go late-night after dinner--less crowded. I was able to score the closest non-handicapped parking space, and the aquatic area is very near the front door, so crutching distance was reasonable.

I hit the steam room first, then eased into the pool and swam for about 15 minutes before my hip began to ache. Since it was 9:15 pm at this point I decided I could call it "baby steps" and get home and get in bed early.

I also e-mailed two of the bloggers I mentioned who have had the FNSF and lived to run again. they have both responded--support! TRUE commisseration! I also contacted a friend who's a master trainer in gyrotonic and she's going to design a mat workout for me that's safe for my hip.

I'm feeling much more in control now that I have a plan and I've begun to take action on it. Yay for that!

i will survive

2011-03-08T11:54:00.005-05:00

You know me, I love significant dates, they give me a chance to start over. What do you know, Lent begins tomorrow. The perfect time for a new beginning! I gave myself a few days to acclimate, first by partying, dining and spa-ing all weekend for my birthday, then by wallowing and crying it out yesterday, and today is transition day.

Tomorrow, it begins!

Back to my super healthy diet. There will also be swimming, mat work, ab work, upper body work (though the crutches may give me Madonna arms on their own). A little recumbent biking. Perhaps some personal training or gyrotonic mat work. I am already afraid of ending up with a hyperdeveloped left leg (since I put all my weight on it whenever I'm standing without crutches), Madonna arms, and an atrophied right leg.

That'd be attractive.

I WILL beat this thing! I will stay in shape, I will stay healthy, and I won't gain more than 5 pounds.

A silly little broken hip will NOT defeat me.

or just a second!

2011-03-07T23:28:00.002-05:00

well, as soon as I blogged that post of despair, a couple of friends popped up on facebook IM and made me feel a lot better!

i guess it was the solitude that pushed me over the edge.

but a combo of the nap, the Big Cry, and the encouragement of two people who know what they're talking about, seems to have done the trick.

oh, and this post didn't hurt. thank god for women bloggers who have been through this and lived to run again.

Gimme a Minute..

2011-03-07T22:02:00.004-05:00

Today sucked. It was my first full day of work on crutches. People have to carry everything for me, and I was isolated at my desk for chunks of the day because getting up is just too much of a production. My hip aches when I sit, and now that I know it's broken, that makes me super crazy paranoid that I'm impeding healing. But, of course, I don't have enough leave to take any real time off to rest it.

I spent the day trying to find a semi-comfortable position that doesn't constrict blood flow to the area. And thanking people for helping me. And wrestling doors--the most impossible thing in the world when you're on crutches. And fielding opinions and questions and implications--everything from "oh, no big deal, I wouldn't worry about walking on it" to "that's what you get for exercising so much!" to "you should bedazzle your crutches" to "my sore back from playing golf is kind of like your broken hip" to "did you get it running?" to "did you get it doing yoga?" and my personal favorite, "surely you're going to give up running now, right?" And then there are the people who just ignore the fact that I have a serious, long-lasting injury that I've already been dealing with for 8 weeks. I guess it's kind of boring to others, but it's interesting to see who gives you support and who ignores the fact that there's a need for support.

The day was so exhausting, both physically and mentally, that when I was crutching out to my car at the end of the day, it was all I could do to hold it together.

I came home and immediately hit the sofa, where I passed out cold. When I woke up, Sweetie was rushing in to put on his running clothes and go to the gym.

That kind of sucked. I had planned to go with him and try swimming, but the thought of dealing with the crutches, walking on them from the car into the gym, and maneuvering into the pool was just beyond what I could deal with--again, either mentally or physically.

When he got back with dinner, he asked how I was doing and I totally lost it. For the first time since getting the diagnosis, I just sobbed. And sobbed. And sobbed.

And I still feel like crying.

I'm giving myself a few days. I had an amazing birthday weekend, and this is the letdown, and the reality of the injury is here now--the reality of at least 3 weeks on these crutches, most likely longer, but I don't know because my doctor didn't tell me.

It's not easy even thinking about it, let alone doing it. The mind games, going around and around with "I need to rest" versus "OMG I've got to cross-train so I don't lose everything." The doubt, the unknown, the worry. The tortuous solitude of needing to be lying on the sofa with my legs elevated as much as possible. The stab of jealousy when I see someone running, or even Sweetie heading to run.

I'll be fine. I'll learn to deal with the crutches. I'll run again. I'll survive all the resting and recovering.

But I'm not fine. Not quite yet. Not today.

Hopalong Suz

2011-03-07T11:26:00.003-05:00

Crutches suck.

Crutches suck SO bad. Not being able to do any housework sucks when you're an OCD control freak. Of course not being able to run sucks, but I'm dealing with that at this point, 8 weeks in as of tomorrow. Turning down social engagements, because you know you just need to be lying down with your feet up as much as possible, sucks. Not being able to get comfortable enough to sleep sucks. And having a hip fracture as a 38-year-old sucks.

But.

At least I know what it is now, and I'm doing what I have to so that it's resolved. And at least I talked the physician's assistant into the MRI right away, instead of suffering through the 2-3 more weeks of physical therapy, rest, ice, anti-inflammatories she wanted me to do. And at least I'm not on crutches in the summertime in South Carolina.

Because that would take "suck" to a whole new level.