you don't KNOW for deja vu

So, I saw the orthopedist today. I realized I absolutely believed that I was overreacting 100%, that this was totally minor, probably muscular, and I was being seriously silly by lying down for a day and a half and seeing my ortho after only 2 weeks of pain.

I guess I believed all that because I really wanted it to be.

How did I realize that those were my expectations? By my reaction to the doctor saying "my feeling is a stress reaction. If you have pain with each step, you should be on crutches." My reaction was not good. I've cried a little, but not in front of him or anyone else. But, as he said "you know what a stress fracture entails, from MRI to rehab." Indeed I do, and it's not something I would wish on even my worst enemy, if I had enemies.

I'm gonna warn you that right now I'm allowing myself to freak out about the worst-case scenario, feel sorry for myself, and wallow. Tomorrow I'll get myself together.

But for right now? Right now all I can think is:

• I do NOT want to be on crutches again, even for just 2 weeks
• I hate flats and don't want to have to wear them
• I need to run and just ran a damn half marathon and want to keep running!
• I am going to regain the 10 pounds I gained with the stress fracture of my right hip, that I JUST finished losing
• THIS IS TOTALLY UNFAIR, because (1) I've already done this, that is my share and (2) I've done EVERYTHING I was supposed to do in terms of conservative mileage, alternating surfaces, cross-training, calcium & D supplementation, diet, rest
• If anyone else says to me "well, I guess you're just going to have to stop running," I will CUT. THEM. My ortho says "you have one half under your belt, you will run another one. You will keep running. Don't worry." HE is the medical professional, NOT you. STFU. You don't run (obviously), so you don't understand what those words do to an injured runner's mind.

The good news: it's not a stress fracture, at least not yet. The x-ray looks good. The stress reaction theory is only a theory. We're doing a 2-week experiment to see what happens. If I still have pain, I get an MRI at that point. And most importantly--a stress reaction is a step below a stress fracture, which means less time on crutches, less time off running, and it also means that I was SMART ENOUGH--not overreacting--to go in sooner this time, catch it sooner, and it will be OVER sooner. And that's worst-case, because it still could be muscular. I'm trying to focus on the good news, but, yanno, it's hard.